Emotional Awareness: Learning to Listen to Your Feelings
I was flicking through my Spotify podcasts recently, and discovered Prof Marc Brackett's audio book Permission To Feel - Unlocking the Power of Emotions. I felt like I learned so much in the first couple of chapters, so I went in search of him on youtube - as you do.
I hope you enjoy this talk and find the information helpgul.
Permission to Feel: Understanding Our Emotions
Emotions are part of being human. Yet many of us have learned to push difficult feelings aside, hide them, or judge ourselves for having them.
In his book Permission to Feel, psychologist and emotional intelligence researcher Marc Brackett encourages us to develop a different relationship with our emotions. Rather than seeing feelings as something to fear or control, we can learn to recognise them, understand them and use them as valuable information.
Brackett's work is based on the idea that we all deserve to have the skills and the permission to understand what we are feeling. Emotional intelligence is not about getting rid of difficult emotions. It is about learning how to work with them.
Emotions Are Information
Brackett describes emotions as valuable information. A feeling can tell us something about what is happening within us or around us. Anger, sadness, fear, disappointment, excitement and joy can all provide information about our needs, experiences and circumstances.
This does not mean that every feeling should automatically determine what we do. Instead, we can pause and become curious about the emotion.
What am I feeling?
What might be causing me to feel this way?
What is this feeling telling me?
What would be helpful right now?
Learning to notice our emotions before automatically reacting to them can give us more choice in how we respond.
Become an Emotion Scientist, Not an Emotion Judge
One of Brackett's ideas is the difference between being an emotion scientist and an emotion judge.
An emotion judge quickly decides that a feeling is good or bad, right or wrong, acceptable or unacceptable. An emotion scientist approaches feelings with curiosity. Instead of judging an emotion, we can become interested in understanding it.
For example, instead of thinking, "I shouldn't be angry," we might ask, "What is my anger telling me?"
Instead of telling ourselves, "I shouldn't feel this way," we can ask, "Why am I feeling this way, and what do I need?"
This shift from judgement to curiosity can create space between an emotion and our reaction to it.
The RULER Approach
Brackett is the lead developer of RULER, an approach developed at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. RULER describes five important skills for developing emotional intelligence:
R – Recognising
Recognising emotions in ourselves and others. This involves becoming aware of the feelings we are experiencing and noticing the emotional cues of other people.
U – Understanding
Understanding the causes and consequences of emotions. What happened? What might have contributed to this feeling? How might the emotion influence our thoughts, behaviour and relationships?
L – Labelling
Putting accurate and specific words to our emotions. Rather than simply saying "I'm fine" or "I'm angry," we can develop a richer emotional vocabulary. We might discover that we are actually disappointed, frustrated, hurt, overwhelmed, anxious or resentful.
E – Expressing
Expressing emotions in ways that are appropriate to the situation, the people involved and the context. Having permission to feel does not mean expressing every emotion in whatever way we choose. Emotional intelligence also involves learning how to communicate feelings constructively.
R – Regulating
Regulating our emotions means using strategies that help us manage our emotional experiences in ways that support our wellbeing and our goals. Regulation is not about suppressing emotions or pretending that we don't feel them.
Feelings Need Attention, Not Shame
Sometimes we learn early in life that certain emotions are unacceptable. We may hear messages such as "Don't cry," "Calm down," "There's nothing to be upset about," or "You have nothing to be angry about."
Over time, we can become disconnected from our emotional experiences.
Giving ourselves permission to feel does not mean that every emotion needs to be acted upon. We can acknowledge an emotion without allowing it to control our behaviour.
I can feel angry without attacking.
I can feel anxious without avoiding everything that makes me uncomfortable.
I can feel hurt without immediately blaming someone.
I can feel sad without believing that something is wrong with me.
Permission to Feel in Relationships
Emotional awareness can be particularly important in relationships. When we understand our own emotions, we may become better able to communicate our needs and listen to the emotional experiences of others.
Instead of asking only, "How do I make my partner understand me?", we can also become curious about our own emotional experience and ask, "What am I feeling, and what might my partner be feeling?"
Brackett encourages us to approach other people's emotions with curiosity rather than immediately judging or trying to fix them. Sometimes what another person needs first is to feel heard and understood.
Questions such as "What are you feeling?", "What happened?", or "What do you need right now?" can open the door to a more meaningful conversation.
A Simple Emotional Check-In
When you notice a strong emotion, pause and ask yourself:
What am I feeling?
Where do I feel it in my body?
What happened that may have contributed to this feeling?
What is this emotion telling me?
What do I need right now?
What response would be helpful?
The goal is not to eliminate uncomfortable emotions. It is to become more aware of them, understand what they may be communicating, and develop choices about how we respond.
Learning to Feel, Understand and Respond
Developing emotional intelligence is a lifelong process. The more we practise recognising, understanding, labelling, expressing and regulating our emotions, the more familiar we can become with our own emotional world.
As Brackett's work highlights, emotional intelligence is not simply about knowing what emotions are. It is about developing the skills to use our emotions wisely so they can support our relationships, wellbeing and everyday lives.
We don't have to like every feeling we experience. But we can learn to listen to what our feelings are telling us.
Marc Brackett's Permission to Feel
Permission to Feel: Unlocking the Power of Emotions to Help Our Kids, Ourselves, and Our Society Thrive was written by Marc Brackett, founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and professor at the Yale Child Study Center. His RULER approach provides a framework for developing emotional intelligence through recognising, understanding, labelling, expressing and regulating emotions.
For more information about Marc Brackett's work and the RULER approach, visit the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and Marc Brackett's website.
