Boundaries in Relationships: A Gottman Therapist’s Perspective
Healthy relationships thrive on trust, respect, and emotional security. One of the key ways to maintain these essential elements is by establishing and maintaining boundaries. As a therapist trained in the Gottman Method, I’ve seen firsthand how clear, compassionate boundaries can transform relationships and foster deeper intimacy.
What Are Boundaries in Relationships?
Boundaries are the invisible lines that define where one person ends and another begins. They help partners understand each other's needs, values, and limits. Healthy boundaries ensure that both individuals feel safe, respected, and understood. Without them, relationships can become enmeshed, resentful, or fraught with conflict.
Why Boundaries Matter
Drs. John and Julie Gottman emphasize the importance of emotional attunement and trust in relationships. Boundaries play a crucial role in building both. When partners set and respect boundaries, they create a safe space where each person’s individuality is honored. This, in turn, strengthens the emotional bank account of the relationship, fostering positivity and reducing the likelihood of contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling.
Types of Boundaries in Relationships
Emotional Boundaries – Protecting your emotional well-being by expressing feelings and needs honestly and respectfully. Example: “I need time to process my emotions before discussing difficult topics.”
Physical Boundaries – Defining personal space and physical comfort levels. Example: “I appreciate hugs, but I need to be asked first.”
Time Boundaries – Ensuring personal time for self-care and other commitments. Example: “I need an hour in the morning to meditate and exercise before we talk about plans for the day.”
Digital Boundaries – Setting expectations for communication and privacy in the digital space. Example: “I value privacy in my social media interactions, and I’d like to discuss before we share details about our relationship online.”
Financial Boundaries – Clarifying expectations around money and financial responsibilities. Example: “I feel more comfortable if we discuss large purchases before making them.”
How to Set Healthy Boundaries
Self-Reflection – Understand your needs, values, and limits before communicating them.
Use Gentle Startups – The Gottman Method highlights the importance of approaching difficult conversations with kindness. Example: “I love spending time together, but I also need some alone time to recharge.”
Express Needs Without Blame – Avoid criticism or defensiveness by using “I” statements. Example: “I feel overwhelmed when we make last-minute plans. Can we schedule things in advance?”
Respect Your Partner’s Boundaries – Boundaries go both ways. Just as you set limits, your partner also has needs that should be honored.
Adjust and Revisit Boundaries – As relationships grow, boundaries may need to be reassessed and adjusted.
The Gottman Takeaway
Boundaries are not walls; they are guidelines that allow love and trust to flourish. When couples communicate openly, honor each other’s limits, and seek mutual understanding, they build a relationship that is not only resilient but deeply fulfilling. By setting boundaries with kindness and respect, you and your partner can create a lasting and emotionally secure connection.
If you’re struggling with boundary-setting or communication in your relationship, working with a Gottman-trained therapist can provide invaluable tools to navigate these challenges effectively.
