My darling mum passed away just before Christmas in 2017. Christmas was her time of year, she adored it, she made it so special for everyone. After her passing, I was busy getting everything done for her estate. Organising the final goodbyes with a funeral and all that goes with it. Life was busy with people visiting, and while it was sad to have lost her, grief didn't really set in then.
At first after a loss, shock sets in, and that shock helps cushion us from the deep feelings that are associated with grief. However, at some point those deep feelings will emerge. For some it comes straight away for others the feelings surface later on. There are no hard and fast rules for grief.
For me, just over half way through the following year, grief set in. I'm normally on the listening side of the counselling process. However, what I found in looking for someone to talk to myself, is that it is actually really really difficult, to find someone who is comfortable with simply listening to deep grief, and to be able to sit with lots of tears.
Grief can be so overwhelming, and hard for ourselves and others to understand. It's a time when we really need other people to surround us and help us navigate the new world we've found ourselves in.
I had been feeling confused as to why the following year, more than the previous one, that lots of tears were flowing. And in my search for help with grief, I came across a rather wonderful talk - The Empty Chair at The Christmas Table - Petrea King talking to Mia Freedman on her podcast No Filter.
In the talk, I heard Petrea mention how sometimes it can be the second year after a loss, that you may be feeling the loss more deeply than the first year. That was so reassuring for me to hear. You can find the podcast here →
The Empty Chair at The Christmas Table - Petrea King
Christmas is often referred to as the most wonderful time of the year. It’s a day that's meant to be filled with joy and love. But what if you're not feeling joyful because you're missing a loved one or you're dealing with the end of a significant relationship? How do you face the empty chair at the Christmas table? Or at any other time?
Petrea King is one of the most respected grief counselors in the country. She’s counseled over 120,000 people living with cancer and other life-challenging illnesses as well as people dealing with grief, loss, trauma, and tragedy through her foundation, Quest For Life.
She knows what’s it’s like to be facing Christmas with a death, diagnosis or divorce looming after she lost her brother to suicide, and received her own diagnosis of a rare form of leukemia.
So what's her advice on how to navigate Christmas when you're not feeling joyful?
If you are going through grief, or know someone else who is, you may find this talk helpful. Grief is the feeling we have in response to loss. It happens not just when someone dies, it also happens, through divorce, separation, financial loss, health issues, and when you lose a pet. I hope this talk gives you some comfort as well.
It really can help to have someone simply listen to your grief. Grief isn't something that can be fixed, and I don't think we ever truly “get over” losing someone we love. Over time, though, the intensity can ease, and we gradually learn to carry the grief and live with it in a different way.
