Active Listening for Relationships: Learning to Really Hear Each Other
On this page you will find information about listening skills and how to practice them, and at the end of the page, I have added videos that may be of benefit.
"I often ponder over the nature of true human sincerity, true transparency... It is a rare and difficult thing; and how much it depends on the person who is listening to us!There are those who pull down barriers and make the way smooth; there are those who force the doors and enter our territory like invaders; there are those who barricade us in, shut us in upon ourselves, dig ditches and throw up walls around us; there are those who set us out of tune and listen only to our false notes; there are those for whom we will always remain strangers, speaking in an unknown tongue.
And when it is our turn to listen, which of these are we?"
Robert Bolton
One of the most common things couples tell me is, “They don't listen to me.”
And often, when we explore what this means, it isn't simply about whether their partner heard the words. It's about whether they felt heard, understood, validated and valued.
When we feel listened to, we feel more connected. When we don't, conversations can quickly become frustrating, defensive or disconnected.
Active listening is a skill that can help couples slow conversations down and create more space for understanding.
What is active listening?
Active listening means giving your partner your attention and making a genuine effort to understand what they are saying, rather than preparing your response, defending yourself or trying to solve the problem.
WActive listening isn't just for those in partnership. I'm using this as an example, this information applies for all types of relationships - family members, parent & child, or friendships.
It involves listening not only to the words being spoken, but also to the feelings and meaning underneath them.
This doesn't mean that you have to agree with everything your partner says. Understanding someone's experience is different from agreeing with their point of view.
You can say, “I can understand why you felt that way,” even if you experienced the situation very differently.
The difference between hearing and listening
We hear words all day long. Active listening requires something more.
Imagine your partner says:
“You never seem interested in what I have to say.”
A defensive response might be:
“That's not true. I listen to you all the time!”
Or perhaps:
“Well, you don't listen to me either.”
These responses may feel justified, but they move the conversation away from understanding.
Active listening might sound more like:
“You're feeling like I'm not really interested in what you're saying, and that leaves you feeling unimportant to me. Have I got that right?”
The goal isn't to immediately defend yourself or fix the situation. The first goal is to understand.
Four simple steps for active listening
1. One person speaks
Start with one person sharing while the other person listens.
Try to avoid interrupting, correcting details or preparing your counter-argument while your partner is speaking.
The speaker doesn't need to give a long explanation. A few sentences about what they are thinking or feeling is enough.
2. The listener reflects back
The listener then tells their partner what they heard.
You might begin with:
“What I'm hearing is...”
or
“It sounds like you're feeling...”
The purpose isn't to repeat every word. It is to reflect the meaning and feelings you think you heard.
3. Check that you've understood
The speaker then lets their partner know whether they understood correctly.
They might say:
“Yes, that's what I meant.”
or:
“Almost. The part you're missing is...”
This gives the listener an opportunity to understand more accurately rather than assuming they have got it right.
4. Swap roles
Once the speaker feels heard, swap roles.
Remember that the purpose of the exercise is not to decide who is right. It is to practise understanding each other's experience.
Sometimes what sounds like criticism or frustration has another emotion underneath it.
For example:
“You never help around here.”
may contain feelings of being overwhelmed, unsupported or unappreciated.
“You don't want to spend any time with me.”
may contain loneliness or a longing for connection.
“You're always telling me what to do.”
may contain a need to feel respected or trusted.
Active listening gives us an opportunity to become curious about what is underneath the words rather than immediately reacting to the words themselves.
You don't have to agree
This is an important part of active listening.
Understanding your partner doesn't mean agreeing with them.
You can have completely different perspectives and still be able to say:
“I can see that this was really important to you.”
or:
“I understand that you experienced it differently from me.”
Feeling understood can help reduce the need to keep proving your point.
Start with the easy stuff
If communication between you has become difficult, it may not be helpful to begin your active listening practice with your biggest relationship issue!
When couples are already feeling defensive or disconnected, a “loaded” topic can quickly turn a listening exercise into another argument.
Instead, start by practising with everyday subjects that don't carry a lot of emotional weight.
The aim is to build the skill of listening before you need to use it during a difficult conversation.
Conversation ideas for practising active listening
Choose one topic and take turns being the speaker and listener.
- What was one enjoyable part of your day?
- What is something you've been looking forward to?
- What's a place you've visited that you'd happily return to?
- What would your ideal relaxing weekend look like?
- What's a meal you particularly enjoy?
- What is something you've learned recently?
- What was one of your favourite things to do as a child?
- What is something you'd like to learn or try one day?
- What's a hobby or activity you enjoy, and what do you like about it?
- What is something that always makes you laugh?
- If you could spend a month anywhere in the world, where would you go?
- What is one of your favourite memories from a holiday?
- What kind of music do you enjoy, and what do you like about it?
- What is something you appreciate about your home?
- What is one small thing that helps you have a good day?
- What is something you are curious about at the moment?
- What is something you would like to do together over the next year?
- What is something you remember fondly about the early days of your relationship?
Keep the first practice short
You don't need to spend an hour doing this.
Try five minutes each.
One person speaks for a couple of minutes while the other listens and reflects back what they heard. Then swap.
At the end, take a moment to notice what it was like to be listened to without interruption or correction.
You might even ask each other:
“What was it like to have my full attention?”
and
“What did you notice about yourself when you were listening?”
Watch out for the urge to fix
One of the hardest parts of listening can be resisting the urge to immediately offer advice or a solution.
Sometimes our partner isn't asking us to fix anything. They simply want us to understand what their experience is like.
Before offering advice, try asking:
“Do you want me to listen, or would you like my thoughts?”
This small question can make a big difference.
Active listening is about connection
Good communication isn't about becoming perfect communicators or never disagreeing.
Couples will still have different opinions, misunderstand each other and sometimes get frustrated.
What matters is having the skills to find your way back to connection.
Active listening helps create the experience of “You matter to me. I want to understand you.”
And sometimes, being genuinely heard is the beginning of feeling close again.
Try practising active listening when things are going well. The more familiar the skill becomes, the easier it can be to draw on when a more difficult conversation comes along.
If communication has become difficult in your relationship, couples counselling can provide a safe space to slow conversations down, understand the patterns you are getting caught in, and learn new ways of communicating and reconnecting.
Learn how to listen and be present - learn active listening and watch your relationships start to flourish. Contact Kareen for more information.
Our minds are so busy, mostly we talk without truly listening to the other person's response, we're so busy trying to get what we want to say across.
We are often only waiting for the other to stop talking (or worse, butting in) for our turn to speak, thinking of what to say next rather than being truly present to what the other person is saying. Learning how to listen is a learned skill. Here are some videos on listening that I've found helpful...
One of the best talks on listening I've heard, as well as information on how to be heard - Julian Treasure
they listen with the intent to reply." - Stephen Covey
One of the foundations for a healthy relationship is communication. The ability to listen to another person, is a fundamental way that we can tend our relationship whether it is with our partner, our child, a family member or work colleague.
"Listening may be the golden key, that opens the door to human relationships". ~ The power of listening | William Ury | TEDxSanDiego