Welcome to my counselling and wellbeing blog, where you'll find resources and practical information for individuals and couples. Explore articles about relationships, emotional wellbeing, communication, mindfulness, attachment, boundaries, emotional regulation, self-awareness and navigating life's challenges. You'll also find practical exercises, reflection ideas and tools to support personal growth, healthier relationships and greater emotional wellbeing.
Fight, Flight or Freeze: Understanding Your Stress Response
Have you ever found yourself reacting strongly to a situation before you've had time to think about it?
You might become angry or defensive, feel an overwhelming urge to get away, or suddenly find yourself unable to think clearly or respond at all.
These reactions can be part of your body's natural fight, flight or freeze response — an automatic survival response that helps us deal with situations we perceive as threatening or stressful.
Fight
The fight response prepares you to confront what feels threatening.
You might become angry, argumentative, defensive or controlling. Your heart rate may increase, your muscles may tense and you may feel ready to protect yourself or someone else.
Sometimes this response can show up in relationships as criticism, blaming, raised voices or becoming easily irritated.
Flight
The flight response prepares you to escape from a perceived threat.
You might feel restless, anxious or desperate to get away. You may avoid difficult conversations, keep yourself busy, leave the room or distract yourself from uncomfortable feelings.
In relationships, flight can sometimes look like withdrawing from a conversation because it feels too overwhelming.
Freeze
The freeze response can happen when your nervous system feels overwhelmed and doesn't know whether to fight or escape.
You might go quiet, feel numb or disconnected, struggle to find words, or feel as though your mind has suddenly gone blank.
Freezing isn't a sign of weakness. It is another automatic protective response.
Dr Daniel Siegel presenting a Hand Model of the Brain
Why Understanding This Can Help
When we understand our stress responses, we can begin to notice what is happening before reacting automatically.
You might ask yourself:
What am I feeling right now?
What is happening in my body?
Do I want to fight, get away, or shut down?
What might I need in this moment to feel safer and more settled?
Sometimes simply recognising "I'm in a stress response right now" can create a little space between the feeling and the reaction.
With practice, breathing slowly, grounding yourself, taking a short pause, or stepping away from a heated situation can help your nervous system settle before you respond.
The Teenage Brain
From Automatic Reaction to Choice
Our fight, flight and freeze responses are not something we need to get rid of. They are part of the body's protective system.
The goal is to become more aware of them, understand what may be triggering them, and develop ways of returning to a calmer state so that we have more choice in how we respond.
Mindfulness and Neural Integration: Daniel Siegel - how we can combine with technology and self regulation.
We all have habits. Some are helpful and supportive, while others may be things we would like to change.
Perhaps you find yourself reaching for your phone whenever you have a spare moment, eating when you're stressed rather than hungry, putting off something you'd like to do, checking your messages repeatedly, or falling into the same patterns when you're feeling tired, anxious or overwhelmed.
Sometimes we know a habit isn't particularly helpful, yet we continue to do it.
So why can it be so difficult to change a habit?
One interesting approach comes from psychiatrist and neuroscientistDr Judson Brewer, whose work explores the relationship between mindfulness, habits and addictive behaviours.
In his popular TED Talk, A Simple Way to Break a Bad Habit, Brewer suggests that one way of changing a habit is not through greater willpower, but through becoming more curious about what is actually happening when the urge arises.
The habit loop
Many habits can be understood as a simple cycle:
Trigger → Behaviour → Reward
A trigger is something that sets the habit in motion. It might be a particular situation, thought, feeling or time of day.
The behaviour is what we do in response.
The reward is what we experience afterwards. Often it is some form of relief, comfort, pleasure, distraction or temporary escape.
For example:
Stress or tiredness → reach for something sweet → a moment of comfort or pleasure.
Or:
Feeling bored → check the phone → a little stimulation or connection.
Once a pattern has been repeated many times, it can begin to feel almost automatic.
What if you became curious instead?
When we want to change a habit, our first response is often to try to control it.
"I must stop doing this."
"I shouldn't be doing this."
"I need more willpower."
Sometimes this works for a while. But when we are tired, stressed or emotionally overwhelmed, our old patterns can quickly return.
Brewer suggests another possibility: rather than immediately trying to push the urge away, pause and become curious about it.
What is actually happening in this moment?
Where do you notice the urge in your body?
What thoughts are going through your mind?
What are you hoping the behaviour will give you?
And what do you actually experience afterwards?
This is where mindfulness can be helpful. Instead of automatically moving from trigger to behaviour, we create a small space in which we can notice what is happening.
Try this simple exercise
The next time you notice an urge to do something that you are trying to change, see if you can pause before automatically responding.
1. Notice the trigger
What was happening just before the urge appeared?
Were you bored, tired, lonely, stressed, frustrated or worried?
2. Notice the urge
Rather than immediately acting on it, take a moment to notice the physical sensations.
Is there tightness in your chest? Restlessness? A feeling in your stomach? Tension in your shoulders? Perhaps an increased sense of energy or anticipation?
You don't need to make the feeling go away. Simply notice it.
3. Become curious
Ask yourself:
What am I experiencing right now?
What am I hoping this behaviour will do for me?
What happens if I stay with this feeling for a little while?
4. Notice what happens next
You may discover that the urge changes. It may become stronger, weaker or simply feel different.
You may also discover something about what is underneath the habit.
Perhaps you were looking for comfort.
Perhaps you needed a break.
Perhaps you were avoiding an uncomfortable feeling.
Perhaps you were simply following a familiar pattern.
You don't have to get it right
Changing a habit isn't usually a matter of succeeding perfectly from the beginning.
You might notice the urge and still follow the old pattern. That's okay.
The important part is the noticing.
Each time we become aware of what is happening, rather than moving completely automatically, we have an opportunity to learn something about ourselves and our patterns.
Mindfulness isn't about judging ourselves for having an urge. It is about becoming more aware of our experience and giving ourselves a little more choice in how we respond.
A small pause can create more choice
Sometimes the most useful change isn't immediately stopping the behaviour.
It may simply be noticing the moment before it happens.
Trigger → pause → notice → choose
That pause can be very small.
A breath.
A moment of noticing.
A little curiosity.
Over time, becoming more familiar with our triggers, urges and patterns can help us respond with greater awareness rather than automatically repeating an old habit.
A few questions to reflect on
If there is a habit you'd like to understand or change, you might like to gently explore:
• What tends to trigger this habit?
• What am I feeling immediately beforehand?
• What does the behaviour give me in the short term?
• What do I experience afterwards?
• What might I actually be needing in that moment?
• Is there another way I could respond to that need?
You don't have to answer all of these questions at once. Sometimes simply becoming curious about a familiar pattern can be a useful beginning.
When a habit feels difficult to change
Some habits are relatively simple to change, while others can be closely connected with stress, anxiety, emotional wellbeing, relationships or addiction.
If a behaviour is causing significant distress or feels difficult to change on your own, talking with a counsellor may provide a safe space to explore what is happening underneath the pattern and what might help.
Counselling can be an opportunity to slow things down, understand your patterns with greater compassion, and explore different ways of responding.
Sometimes change begins not with trying harder, but with becoming more aware.
If you'd like to explore this further, please contact me on 0408 792 747 to find out more about counselling sessions.
The ideas discussed here are provided for general information and are not intended to replace professional medical or psychological advice. If you are concerned about an addictive behaviour or another habit that is causing significant harm or distress, appropriate professional support may be helpful.
