Listening To Shame
Shame – The Feeling We Don't Like to Talk About
Shame is one of those emotions that most of us would rather avoid. We may feel it, but we don't always have words for it. Instead, we might withdraw, become defensive, criticise ourselves, or try very hard to hide the parts of ourselves we don't want others to see.
There is an important difference between guilt and shame. Guilt says, “I did something wrong.” Shame says, “There is something wrong with me.”
Guilt can sometimes motivate us to make things right. Shame, on the other hand, can leave us feeling exposed, unworthy and disconnected from others. It can make it difficult to ask for help or to let someone really see us.
Shame often grows in secrecy. When we are able to talk about the things we feel ashamed of with someone who responds with understanding rather than judgement, shame can begin to lose some of its power.
Sometimes the first step in moving beyond shame is simply being brave enough to say, “This is something I find difficult to talk about.”
If you would like some support exploring your emotions, relationships or the challenges you are experiencing, counselling can provide a safe and supportive space to slow down, gain perspective and develop a deeper understanding of yourself.
Brene Brown Talks on Vulnerability
Vulnerability – The Courage to Be Seen
Vulnerability is often misunderstood. We can think of it as weakness, but vulnerability is actually about having the courage to be seen as we really are — with our hopes, fears, needs, mistakes and imperfections.
In relationships, vulnerability can be difficult. Saying “I’m hurt,” “I’m scared,” “I need you,” or “I got that wrong” can feel much riskier than becoming defensive, withdrawing or pretending everything is fine.
Sometimes we protect ourselves from vulnerability by becoming independent, keeping our feelings to ourselves, using humour, becoming angry or trying to stay in control. These strategies can help us feel safer in the short term, but they can also create distance from the people we most want to feel close to.
Yet vulnerability is also where genuine connection begins. When we allow ourselves to be honest and open, we give the other person an opportunity to understand us rather than having to guess what is happening beneath the surface.
Being vulnerable doesn't mean sharing everything with everyone or abandoning healthy boundaries. It means choosing, where it is safe to do so, to let ourselves be known. It takes courage — and it is often through this courage that we experience deeper connection, intimacy and belonging.
Brené Brown's TED Talk, The Power of Vulnerability, is a wonderful introduction to this topic and to the important connection between vulnerability, courage and meaningful relationships.
If you would like some support exploring your emotions, relationships or the challenges you are experiencing, counselling can provide a safe and supportive space to slow down, gain perspective and develop a deeper understanding of yourself.
Ways to take a break - learn how to soothe yourself without alcohol or drugs
We all need ways to soothe ourselves without alcohol or drugs. Here are a few ideas, what are some of yours?
Helping a loved one with PTSD
What is PTSD? PTSD stands for post-traumatic stress disorder. It can develop after a person has experienced or witnessed something frightening, overwhelming or life-threatening.
Our minds and bodies have a remarkable ability to respond to danger. After a traumatic experience, it is quite normal to feel shaken, anxious, on edge, have difficulty sleeping, or find yourself thinking about what happened. For some people, however, these reactions continue long after the danger has passed and begin to interfere with everyday life. This is when post-traumatic stress disorder may develop.
PTSD can affect people of all ages and backgrounds. It can happen after a single traumatic event or following repeated or prolonged trauma.
Some professions can involve greater exposure to traumatic events. Police, ambulance officers, firefighters, members of the armed forces and some health professionals may regularly witness serious accidents, injury, death or other distressing situations. However, PTSD is certainly not limited to these professions.
Trauma can happen to anyone.
PTSD may develop after experiences such as:
It is important to remember that two people can experience the same event and respond very differently. Not everyone who experiences trauma develops PTSD, and having a strong reaction does not mean that someone is weak.
What can PTSD feel like?
PTSD can affect both the mind and the body. A person may experience unwanted memories, nightmares or flashbacks, as though the event is happening again. They may avoid places, people or conversations that remind them of what happened.
They may also feel constantly on guard, easily startled, irritable or anxious. Sleep can become difficult, concentration may suffer, and some people feel emotionally numb or disconnected from themselves and others.
Sometimes people don't realise that what they are experiencing may be connected to an earlier traumatic event. They may simply feel that something has changed and that they are no longer quite themselves.
Healing after trauma
There is help available for PTSD, and people can recover. Finding the right support can make a real difference. Different approaches work for different people, so if one form of treatment doesn't feel right or hasn't helped, it doesn't necessarily mean that nothing will.
Support might include talking with a suitably qualified mental health professional, learning ways to calm the nervous system, developing a greater understanding of trauma, and gradually rebuilding a sense of safety.
You don't have to wait until things become overwhelming before reaching out for support.
Helping someone you care about
If someone you love is experiencing PTSD, your patience and understanding can be valuable.
Sometimes simply having someone who is willing to listen, without judgement, can be an important part of feeling safe again.
If you or someone you care about is struggling after a traumatic experience, professional support can help.
Further information and support
For current Australian information about PTSD and available support, see trusted mental health and government resources such as Healthdirect, Beyond Blue and the Australian Government Department of Veterans' Affairs.
If you would like some support exploring your emotions, relationships or the challenges you are experiencing, counselling can provide a safe and supportive space to slow down, gain perspective and develop a deeper understanding of yourself.
How Does Mindfulness Reduce Stress?
Mindfulness: A Simple Way to Reduce Stress
When life feels busy, stressful or overwhelming, our minds can easily become caught up in everything that has happened, everything that might happen, and everything we think we should be doing.
Mindfulness offers a way to step out of that constant mental chatter and return our attention to the present moment.
Rather than trying to empty your mind or make stressful thoughts disappear, mindfulness teaches you to notice what is happening without immediately getting caught up in it. You might notice your breathing, the feeling of your feet on the floor, the sounds around you, or simply the thoughts and emotions passing through your mind.
This can help calm the body's stress response and create a little more space between what happens and how we respond. With regular practice, even a few minutes a day can help us become more aware of our thoughts, emotions and habitual reactions.
You don't need to sit cross-legged on a mountain to practise mindfulness!
You can practise while drinking your morning coffee, walking along the beach, gardening, washing the dishes or simply taking a few slow breaths and paying attention to the moment.
Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do when life feels overwhelming is to pause, breathe, and come back to where we actually are.
For Mindfulness Sessions and Training:
Can Mindfulness Increase Resilience to Stress
"If you want to reduce stress in your life, be aware of how much you tend to take personally things that actually aren't personal."
Fight right - tips
Fight Right: It’s Not About Winning
Every couple has disagreements. The goal of a healthy relationship isn’t to never argue — it’s to learn how to handle those difficult moments without damaging the connection between you.
When conflict becomes heated, it can be easy to slip into criticism, defensiveness, blaming or shutting down. Unfortunately, these patterns often make the original problem even harder to resolve.
Fighting “right” means learning to slow things down, listen to understand rather than simply respond, and talk about the issue without attacking your partner.
It also means remembering that you are on the same team. You may see things differently, but the goal is not to prove who is right. The goal is to understand each other and find a way forward.
The short video below offers some practical tips for handling conflict more constructively.
Sometimes a small change in the way we approach an argument can make a very big difference to a relationship.
If you would like some support exploring your emotions, relationships or the challenges you are experiencing, counselling can provide a safe and supportive space to slow down, gain perspective and develop a deeper understanding of yourself.
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