Separating Who You Are From What You Do
One of the most important things we can learn — both as parents and as adults — is that there is a difference between who we are and what we do.
Our behaviour can change. We make mistakes. We sometimes behave in ways we are not proud of. We can lose our temper, make poor choices, forget something important or hurt someone we love.
None of these things mean that we are a bad person.
Imagine this scene: a three-year-old asks repeatedly, “Mama, do you love me?” Each time, Mum answers, “Of course I do.” Then the child takes her hand and leads her to a broken flowerpot or shattered toy and looks at her questioningly.
Here is a little child, only three years old, already asking one of the most profound psychological questions any of us can ask:
The answer for all of us, no matter how old we are, should be the same:
We are not our behaviour.
Instead of saying, “You're a bad boy,” we can say, “That wasn't a kind thing to do.” Instead of “You're such a naughty girl,” we might say, “I don't like what happened here. Let's work out what we can do differently next time.”
The message becomes: your behaviour needs to change, but you are still loved and respected.
And interestingly, this is just as important in the way we speak to ourselves.
How often do we turn something we have done into a judgement about who we are?
“I made a mistake” can quickly become “I'm useless.”
“I handled that badly” becomes “I'm a terrible person.”
“I didn't achieve what I wanted” becomes “I'm a failure.”
When we do this, a behaviour or experience becomes an identity.
There is a great deal of freedom in learning to separate the two. We can take responsibility for what we do without condemning ourselves for who we are. We can acknowledge mistakes, make amends, learn something and try again — without adding shame to the experience.
Self-worth doesn't need to be earned through perfect behaviour.
Remember: you are not simply what you do, any more than you are what you wear. Your behaviour is something you can change. Your worth is something much deeper.
Lou Tice's work reminds us that the way we speak to ourselves — and the way we speak to children — can influence the beliefs we develop about who we are.
A little reminder for today:
Article inspired by the work of Lou Tice.
If you would like some support exploring your emotions, relationships or the challenges you are experiencing, counselling can provide a safe and supportive space to slow down, gain perspective and develop a deeper understanding of yourself.
