Where We Put Our Attention
There is an old saying that we get more of what we focus on. It is an idea I have always found useful, particularly when thinking about our relationships.
Serge Kahili King, who taught the principles of Huna, expressed it beautifully: “Energy flows where attention goes.”
Think about how easily this happens in everyday life. If you are worried about something, your attention keeps returning to it. You notice every little thing that confirms your worry. The problem seems to get bigger because it is occupying more and more of your attention.
The same thing can happen in our relationships.
We can become very good at noticing what our partner isn't doing. We notice the untidy kitchen, the forgotten task, the irritating habit, the phone that is always being checked, or the conversation that didn't go the way we wanted.
And when we repeatedly point these things out, we may believe we are helping the other person change. But criticism keeps both people focused on what is wrong. Over time, it can create frustration, defensiveness and resentment.
What if, instead, we deliberately began looking for what we do want?
What if we noticed when our partner makes an effort? When they listen? When they put their phone down and give us their attention? When they do something thoughtful without being asked?
And what if we told them?
This isn't about pretending that problems don't exist or avoiding difficult conversations. Healthy relationships still need honesty, boundaries and the ability to talk about things that aren't working.
It is about where we place our attention.
If most of our conversations are about what is wrong, our relationship can begin to feel like a list of problems that need fixing. But when we also notice what is working, what we appreciate and what we want more of, we create a different emotional environment.
King's principle is simple: “Energy flows where attention goes.” What we repeatedly give our attention to becomes more prominent in our awareness.
So perhaps the question is not only, “What do I want my partner to stop doing?”
Perhaps an even more useful question is:
Then look for it. Notice it. Appreciate it. Talk about it.
Because sometimes the change we are hoping to create begins with changing what we are paying attention to.
Based on ideas from Lou Tice and Serge Kahili King
If you would like some support exploring your emotions, relationships or the challenges you are experiencing, counselling can provide a safe and supportive space to slow down, gain perspective and develop a deeper understanding of yourself.
