Learn how thoughts, emotions and body sensations can interact, and discover simple ways to become more aware of difficult emotions and respond with greater choice and self-understanding.
Our emotions can provide valuable information about what is happening within us. They can be influenced by our thoughts and interpretations, our experiences, our relationships, our memories and what is happening in our body.
Sometimes an emotional reaction can appear very quickly, before we have even had time to consciously work out what we are thinking. We may notice a tightening in our chest, a change in our breathing, tension in our shoulders, a feeling in our stomach or an urge to react.
Learning to pause and become curious about our emotions can help us understand what may be happening beneath the surface.
Our Thoughts Can Influence Our Emotions
Our thoughts and interpretations can have a significant influence on the way we feel.
Imagine walking into a room and noticing two people whispering and looking in your direction. You might immediately feel uncomfortable or anxious if you interpret their behaviour as being about you.
Later, you discover that they were actually discussing something completely unrelated to you. The situation has not necessarily changed, but your understanding of the situation has — and your emotional response may change with it.
This doesn't mean that we can simply choose our emotions or tell ourselves to stop feeling something. Emotions are more complex than that. However, becoming aware of the thoughts and interpretations that accompany an emotion can sometimes give us more understanding and more choice about how we respond.
Try This: Notice What Happens in Your Body
You can experiment with this yourself. Take a few moments with each of the following. After reading each one, close your eyes and notice what happens in your body.
- Think of something that makes you happy. What do you notice in your body?
- Think of somewhere you find peaceful or relaxing. What happens in your body?
- Now imagine being stuck in a long queue when you are in a hurry. What happens in your body?
You may notice changes in your breathing, heart rate, muscle tension, facial expression, stomach or overall sense of ease or agitation.
Now take a few slow breaths and allow yourself to let go of the exercise.
Think of somewhere in nature that you enjoy being. Perhaps it is a beach, a forest, a garden or another place where you feel peaceful. Imagine yourself there for a few moments and notice what happens in your body as you bring that image to mind.
The Same Situation Can Feel Very Different
Our emotional response is not always determined by the situation itself. The meaning we give to a situation can influence how we experience it.
Imagine that you are waiting in a busy shop and there is only one person serving.
You might think, “This is frustrating. Why haven't they put more staff on? This is ridiculous.” As you continue thinking this way, you might notice irritation building in your body. Your muscles may become tense, your breathing may change and you may feel increasingly agitated.
Alternatively, you might think, “There is only one person serving. They can only serve one person at a time. I can't change the situation, so I'll take a breath and use this time to slow down.”
You may still feel impatient, but your overall response may be different.
This isn't about telling ourselves that difficult situations don't matter or that we should always remain calm. It is about noticing that our thoughts and interpretations can become part of our emotional experience.
There Are No “Bad” Emotions
It can be tempting to think of emotions as either “good” or “bad”. We may welcome happiness, excitement and contentment while wanting to get rid of anger, sadness, fear, jealousy, disappointment or anxiety.
However, uncomfortable emotions can also carry information.
Anger may alert us to something that feels unfair or to a boundary that has been crossed. Sadness may reflect loss or disappointment. Fear may alert us to something that feels threatening or uncertain. Anxiety may tell us that we are anticipating something we find difficult to manage.
An emotion does not necessarily tell us exactly what is true, nor does feeling something mean that we have to act on it. Instead, an emotion can be an invitation to pause and become curious.
You might ask yourself:
- What am I feeling?
- Where do I notice this feeling in my body?
- What was happening just before I felt this way?
- What was I thinking at the time?
- What meaning was I giving to the situation?
- What might this emotion be telling me?
- Is there a need, concern or boundary underneath the emotion?
- How would I like to respond?
Creating Space Between Feeling and Reaction
When an emotion is strong, we can sometimes move very quickly from feeling to reacting.
Someone says something that upsets us and we immediately respond. We feel criticised and become defensive. We feel rejected and withdraw. We feel angry and say something we later regret.
Creating a small pause does not mean ignoring the emotion. It gives us an opportunity to notice what is happening before deciding what to do next.
You might try:
- Pause.
- Take a slow breath.
- Notice what you are feeling.
- Notice what is happening in your body.
- Notice the thoughts running through your mind.
- Ask yourself what you need right now.
- Choose how you would like to respond.
Sometimes that pause may only last a few seconds. Even a small amount of space can help us respond rather than simply react.
Questioning the Thoughts Behind an Emotion
One approach to exploring difficult thoughts and emotions is The Work, developed by Byron Katie. The Work involves identifying a stressful thought and investigating it through four questions and a process known as the “turnarounds”.
The four questions are:
- Is it true?
- Can I absolutely know that it is true?
- How do I react, what happens, when I believe that thought?
- Who would I be without the thought?
The purpose is to slow down and investigate a stressful thought rather than automatically accepting it as true.
For example, you might notice the thought, “They don't respect me.” Rather than immediately treating the thought as a fact, you can become curious about it.
What happens in your body when you believe the thought?
What emotions arise?
What do you do when you believe it?
How might the experience be different if, for a moment, you were able to put the thought down and simply observe what was happening?
The Work also includes examining different ways of looking at the original thought through what Byron Katie calls “turnarounds”.
This process is not about telling yourself that your feelings are wrong or that difficult experiences don't matter. It is an invitation to investigate the thoughts and assumptions that may be contributing to your distress.
Becoming Curious About Your Emotions
Emotional awareness is not about getting rid of difficult feelings. It is about developing a better understanding of ourselves.
Instead of asking, “How do I stop feeling this?”, you might sometimes ask:
- “What is happening for me right now?”
- “What am I telling myself about this situation?”
- “What am I noticing in my body?”
- “What is this emotion trying to draw my attention to?”
- “What do I need?”
- “What response would be helpful here?”
With practice, we can become more familiar with our emotional patterns. We may begin to recognise the situations, thoughts and relationship experiences that tend to trigger strong reactions.
Sometimes simply noticing an emotion without immediately judging it can create a little more space.
Emotions Are Part of Being Human
We all experience emotions. Some are comfortable and welcome, while others can feel overwhelming, confusing or difficult to understand.
Rather than seeing emotions as something that needs to be fixed, we can learn to approach them with curiosity and compassion.
An emotion is an experience. A thought is a thought. Neither necessarily requires an immediate reaction.
When we learn to notice our thoughts, emotions and bodily responses, we can begin to develop greater self-awareness and more choice in how we respond to ourselves and to the people around us.
For more information about Byron Katie's approach, you can visit The Work of Byron Katie, which provides information about The Work, the four questions and related worksheets.
If you would like some support exploring your emotions, relationships or the challenges you are experiencing, counselling can provide a safe and supportive space to slow down, gain perspective and develop a deeper understanding of yourself.
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