"All the advice you ever gave your partner is for you to hear." Byron Katie
“All the advice you ever gave your partner is for you to hear.” — Byron Katie
Have you ever found yourself telling your partner what they need to do differently?
“You need to communicate more.”
“You need to listen to me.”
“You need to stop being so defensive.”
“You need to let things go.”
Sometimes our advice is completely reasonable. We may genuinely see something that could help our relationship. But Byron Katie's words invite us to pause and ask a different question:
“Is there something in this advice that I might need to hear too?”
This isn't about blaming ourselves or suggesting that our partner's behaviour doesn't matter. Rather, it is an invitation to turn our attention back towards ourselves.
If I'm asking my partner to listen, am I listening?
If I'm asking them to speak gently, how am I speaking when I'm frustrated?
If I'm asking them to be more open about their feelings, am I willing to be vulnerable about my own?
If I'm asking them to take responsibility, is there something I could take responsibility for?
Relationships can easily become a place where we keep score of what the other person needs to change. We become very familiar with their shortcomings, while our own behaviour can become harder to see.
Turning the advice towards ourselves doesn't mean letting our partner off the hook. It means recognising that we each have our own part in the relationship dance.
Sometimes the most powerful question isn't, “How do I get my partner to change?” but rather, “What is this situation asking me to look at in myself?”
That small shift can create space for curiosity instead of criticism, responsibility instead of blame, and connection instead of disconnection.
Perhaps the next time you hear yourself giving your partner some advice, pause for a moment and ask:
“What if this is something I need to hear too?”
It might just be the beginning of a different conversation.
Kareen Fellows Counselling
Counselling for Individuals and Relationships