Making time for the people who matter most in a world full of distractions.
The other day, I witnessed something that made me stop and think.
A mother was sitting with her toddler, absorbed in her phone. Her little boy was trying to get her attention. He tapped her arm, reached towards something on the table, and kept trying to engage with her. But her attention remained on the screen.
He kept trying. She kept looking at her phone.
It was sad to watch. Here was a small child reaching out for connection, and the person he wanted to connect with most was somewhere else, at least for that moment.
I don't know what was happening in that mother's life. Perhaps she was tired, overwhelmed or simply caught up in something on her phone. Most of us have been distracted at times. But the scene reminded me of something worth thinking about: What happens to our relationships when our attention is constantly somewhere else?
Technology has brought us wonderful benefits. We can stay in touch with family across the world, learn new things, work more efficiently and enjoy endless entertainment. I enjoy using technology myself.
But there is a downside, too. Our phones and screens can quietly take up more and more of our time, sometimes at the expense of the people sitting right beside us.
Have you ever been in the middle of a conversation with someone whose eyes keep drifting back to their phone? Have you tried to tell your partner something important, only to realise they haven't really heard a word you've said? Or perhaps someone has pointed out that you are spending too much time on your own device.
These moments might seem small, but repeated over time, they can leave people feeling ignored, unimportant or disconnected.
Children Need Our Attention, Not Just Our PresenceFor young children, connection happens through the little everyday moments: a parent's smile, a shared laugh, a comforting touch, a response to a question or simply having someone look at them when they speak.
Children need more than an adult who is physically present in the room. They need opportunities to experience that their bids for attention matter and that someone is there to respond to them.
Of course, no parent can be attentive every minute of every day. That's neither realistic nor necessary. What matters is the pattern of connection children experience over time.
When we regularly put our screens aside and give children our attention, we help them feel seen, valued and secure. We also model something important: that relationships deserve our time and care.
And this need for attention doesn't disappear when children grow up.
Our partners, friends and family members also need to feel that we are interested in them. A relationship is nourished by the everyday exchanges that tell us, "I'm here. I'm listening. You matter to me."
Relationship researcher Dr John Gottman describes the small ways we respond when someone reaches out to us for attention, affection or connection. A partner might share something interesting, ask a question, make a joke or tell us about their day. We can turn towards them and respond, turn away by ignoring them, or react negatively.
These little moments may seem insignificant, but they help shape the emotional climate of a relationship.
When a phone repeatedly interrupts these exchanges, we can miss opportunities to connect. Over time, one or both partners may begin to feel that the screen is receiving more attention than they are.
Being in the same room isn't necessarily the same as being emotionally present.
How Can We Reclaim Our Connections?
The answer isn't to throw away our phones or reject technology. It's to become more intentional about when we use them and when we put them aside.
Here are a few simple things you can try:
1. Make mealtimes about people.
Whether you're eating with your partner, your children or friends, put your phones away. Use the time to talk, share stories, laugh and find out what's happening in one another's lives.
2. Create phone-free time.
Choose a part of the day when screens are put aside. It might be during breakfast, after work, during the evening or for an hour before bed. Make room for conversation, play, a walk or simply being together.
3. Give children your attention when you can.
When a child approaches you, try to pause what you're doing, look at them and acknowledge them. You might not always be able to respond immediately, but letting them know you've heard them makes a difference.
4. Protect your sleep.
Late-night notifications and the temptation to check messages can interfere with winding down. Consider silencing your phone, switching off notifications or charging it outside the bedroom.
5. Notice your own habits without judging yourself.
How often do you reach for your phone out of habit, boredom or discomfort? Do you check it during conversations? Do you feel restless when it isn't within reach? Simply noticing these patterns can help you make more conscious choices.
6. Talk about technology with your partner.
Rather than accusing one another of spending too much time on a device, talk about what you both need. You might say, "I'd love us to have some time together in the evenings without our phones. I miss having your full attention." Then work out an agreement that feels fair to both of you.
A Little Challenge
For the next few days, notice what happens when you put your phone away and give the people around you your full attention.
Look at your partner when they speak. Listen to your child's story, even if you've heard it before. Have a conversation without checking for notifications. Enjoy a meal without a screen competing for your attention.
You might be surprised by what you notice, not only in other people, but in yourself.
Technology can connect us across continents, but we also need the everyday, face-to-face connections that help us feel close to the people we love.
The next time someone reaches out to you, whether it's a toddler tapping your arm, a partner wanting to share their day or a friend trying to tell you something important, consider putting the phone down.
The message we send when we give someone our attention is simple: You matter to me.
And isn't that one of the most important messages we can give the people we love?
If you would like some support exploring your emotions, relationships or the challenges you are experiencing, counselling can provide a safe and supportive space to slow down, gain perspective and develop a deeper understanding of yourself.
