The Drama Triangle: How It Plays Out in Relationships and at Work

In both our personal lives and professional settings, conflict often follows familiar patterns. One powerful tool for understanding these patterns is Stephen Karpman’s Drama Triangle. It highlights three roles that people may unconsciously step into when tension rises: Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor.

The Three Roles

Victim Feels powerless, helpless, or unfairly treated. Often seeks someone to “fix” the situation or to blame for their distress.

Rescuer Rushes in to help, fix, or save others — sometimes without being asked. While it may look generous, it can actually reinforce dependency and prevent true problem-solving.

Persecutor Criticises, blames, or controls others. This role tends to use power aggressively, leaving others feeling diminished or stuck.

It’s important to remember that these are roles, not identities. People can shift between them quickly, depending on the situation.

In Relationships

In intimate or family relationships, the Drama Triangle can create cycles of conflict and disconnection. For example:

A partner may feel unheard (Victim), while the other becomes critical (Persecutor).

Another family member might step in to calm things down (Rescuer), but ends up feeling exhausted or resentful.

Over time, these patterns erode trust and intimacy. Instead of fostering healthy communication, the relationship becomes defined by blame, over-functioning, or withdrawal.

In the Workplace

The same dynamics often appear at work:

An employee feels overworked and unsupported (Victim).

A manager criticises their performance without offering guidance (Persecutor).

A colleague steps in to help but takes on too much themselves (Rescuer).

This cycle can damage team morale, fuel burnout, and prevent real solutions from emerging.

Breaking Free from the Triangle

The good news is that awareness is the first step out of the Drama Triangle. Once we notice these roles, we can choose healthier alternatives:

Move from Victim to Creator — focusing on choices and what’s within your control.

Shift from Rescuer to Coach — supporting others without taking over.

Transform from Persecutor to Challenger — offering honest feedback respectfully.

By stepping out of the Drama Triangle, both relationships and workplaces can move toward more empowering and collaborative dynamics.

✨ Takeaway: The Drama Triangle shows us how easy it is to get stuck in unhelpful patterns. But with awareness and practice, we can create healthier ways of relating that bring more connection, respect, and growth — whether at home or at work.

✨ Journal Exercise: Reflect back on all the moments of the day that stand out. What role did you take? Did you find yourself in Rescuer, Victim, Persecutor? Or Creator, Coach or Challenger?

Riding the Waves of Life and Love

🌊 "You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf.” Jon Kabat-Zinn 🌊

Jon Kabat-Zinn is an American professor emeritus and is the creator of the MBSR - Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction.

Mindfulness isn’t about controlling what happens, it’s about learning how to meet each moment with presence, steadiness, and compassion. 💙

Life will always bring its waves — challenges, emotions, relationship challenges, and change. We can’t stop them from coming, but we can learn to ride them with awareness and balance. 🏄‍♀️

We can’t always control what arises, whether it’s a partner’s mood, a loved one’s reaction, or the tide of our own stress and sadness.

But mindfulness teaches us that we don’t need to control the ocean. What we can do is learn how to ride it.

In relationships, this might mean noticing when tension rises and choosing to respond with patience rather than react with anger.

It might mean allowing a partner’s emotions to exist without feeling we have to fix them.

In our inner world, learning to “surf” means practicing awareness—acknowledging feelings of anxiety, grief, or frustration without being pulled under by them.

By staying present, breathing, and grounding ourselves, we allow emotions to pass like waves, rather than fighting against them.

Mindfulness is not about avoiding difficulty, but about finding balance and flow within it.

With practice, each wave becomes less of a threat and more of an opportunity to deepen our resilience, compassion, and connection.

💙 Next time the waves rise, pause. Notice. Breathe.

And gently remind yourself: You are learning how to surf.

The Broken Window Theory - Why Little things matter in life and relationships.

Streeet Art - The Back Alley Gallery Lismore NSW @the_back_alley_gallery. Photo credit @kareen_barlin_fellows

When we moved into our new house recently, I had this sinking feeling when I discovered that the people we had bought it off, had left the home in a dirty and unkept condition.

What started out as excitement moving into a new home slowly started to turn into dismay and disappointment at the state of the house. The exciting and tiring moving day, ended up with “oh no, now we’ve got to clean up someone else’s mess.”

It reminded me of something called the Broken Window Theory.

Back in the 1980s, two social scientists, James Q. Wilson and George L. Kelling, suggested that when small signs of neglect—like a broken window, graffiti, or litter—are ignored, it can lead to more neglect and even bigger problems. People take cues from their environment. If a place looks uncared for, it almost invites more carelessness.

And honestly, that’s exactly how this house felt. The previous owners hadn’t bothered to do the small, respectful things before leaving. It sent a message that it didn’t matter. And now we’re the ones scrubbing out the cupboards and vacuuming up cobwebs to reset the tone.

Where It Shows Up in Everyday Life

The Broken Window Theory isn’t just about houses or crime prevention—it’s about the power of small things.

At Home: One dirty dish left in the sink seems harmless. But soon it becomes two… then three… then suddenly the kitchen feels overwhelming. By tackling the little things early, we keep things feeling calm and manageable.

In Relationships: A small hurt left unspoken—like a dismissive comment or a forgotten thank you—can grow if we don’t tend to it. Repairing the little cracks helps prevent bigger rifts.

In Our Habits: Skipping a workout or indulging in that one extra treat isn’t the end of the world. But over time, those “tiny windows” of choice build up. Small acts of self-care matter more than we think.

In Communities: Picking up rubbish, saying hello to neighbours, or helping out in little ways creates a sense of pride and care. When we show we care, others are more likely to do the same.

Resetting the Tone

As we’ve been cleaning this house—removing someone else’s mess—it’s made me realise how much the little things really set the tone. Each cupboard I wipe out feels like a small promise: We’re starting fresh here. We care about this space. We’re going to make it ours.

That’s really what the Broken Window Theory is about—not perfection, but presence. Paying attention to the details that say, “This matters.”

How We Can Use This in Our Lives

Do the small things early. Make the bed, wash the cup, wipe the bench.

Tend to relationships gently. Offer the apology, send the text, give the hug.

Notice what your space is saying to you. Is there a “broken window” you could fix today that would instantly lift your mood?

Take pride in little acts of care. It doesn’t have to be grand—just a small sign that you value your home, your relationships, and yourself.

As we settle into our new home, every clean shelf and swept floor is helping us create a place that feels cared for. Because when we show care in the small things, we create a ripple effect—one that makes life feel calmer, safer, and more connected.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by “broken windows” in your own life—whether that’s in your home, your habits, or your relationships—counselling can be a gentle way to reset the tone. Together, we can look at the small steps that make life feel lighter and more manageable.

💛 If you’d like some support, you’re welcome to get in touch with me here – I’d love to help you create the fresh start you’re looking for.

🏡 And a suggestion if you are in the process of buying your own home, or considering buying... when you are negotiating contracts include that the home is to have a bond clean prior to you moving in.

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🍽️ Mindful Eating: A Gentle Path Back to Ourselves

In our fast-paced world, eating has become a mindless activity — a sandwich at the desk, snacks in front of the TV, dinner devoured between errands. We often eat not because we're hungry, but because we're stressed, bored, or simply because it’s "time to eat." Over time, this disconnection can lead to poor digestion, emotional eating, weight concerns, and a loss of pleasure in food.

Mindful eating offers a different way — a kinder, more present approach to nourishment that invites us to slow down, tune in, and truly experience our meals.

What is Mindful Eating?

Mindful eating is the practice of bringing full awareness to the experience of eating. It's not about diets, rules, or guilt. It’s about being present — noticing the colours, textures, flavours, and aromas of your food. It’s about listening to your body’s hunger and fullness cues, and becoming aware of the emotions that may drive your eating habits.

At its heart, mindful eating is not just about what you eat — it’s about how you eat.

Why Mindful Eating Matters

Reduces Emotional Eating: By pausing and checking in with yourself, you can begin to separate physical hunger from emotional hunger.

Improves Digestion: When we eat slowly and without stress, our digestive system functions more efficiently.

Enhances Enjoyment: Food tastes better when we’re fully present to savour it.

Supports Body Trust: Tuning into your natural hunger and fullness signals helps restore a healthy relationship with food.

A Simple Mindful Eating Practice

Here’s a gentle exercise you can try with your next meal or snack:

Pause before you eat. Take a breath. Look at the food in front of you. Where did it come from? What colours and textures do you see?

Take a moment of gratitude. Silently thank the people, animals, and elements that brought this food to your plate.

Check in with your body. Are you hungry? Full? Satisfied? How do you feel emotionally?

Eat slowly and without distractions (even just for a few minutes). Notice how this changes your experience.

Engage your senses. Smell the food. Notice your mouth watering. Take a small bite and really taste it. Chew slowly.

Bringing Mindful Eating into Daily Life

You don’t have to do this perfectly. Start small — even one mindful bite a day is a beautiful beginning. Choose one meal where you put away your phone, turn off the TV, and sit down with your food. Over time, mindful eating becomes less of a practice and more of a way of being — a quiet act of self-respect and care.

For Those Who Struggle

If you find eating is tangled with guilt, anxiety, or control, know that you’re not alone. Mindful eating can bring up old wounds and stories we carry about our bodies or our worth. Working with a counsellor or therapist can help unpack these layers in a compassionate and supportive way.

The Neuroscience of Breathwork - Why the WAY you Breathe Changes Your Brain

Inhale… and exhale. Something so simple, so automatic, yet profoundly powerful.

For centuries, breathwork has been central to practices like yoga, meditation, and mindfulness. But what does science say about it? Why do we feel calmer after taking a few deep breaths? Why does focusing on our breathing help during moments of stress or anxiety?

The answer lies in the fascinating field of neuroscience. Let’s explore what actually happens in your brain and body when you breathe intentionally.

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💨 Your Breath Is a Remote Control for Your Nervous System Every breath you take sends signals to your brain—especially to your autonomic nervous system, which regulates unconscious bodily functions like heartbeat, digestion, and, of course, breathing.

This system has two main branches:

The sympathetic nervous system (fight-or-flight)

The parasympathetic nervous system (rest-and-digest)

When you breathe shallow and fast, it tells your brain to activate the sympathetic system—preparing you for danger. But when you breathe slowly and deeply, it triggers the parasympathetic system, bringing calm, slowing your heart rate, and soothing your body.

You are, in a very real sense, hacking your own brain and body through your breath.

🧠 Breath and the Brain: What Science Shows

1. Activates the Prefrontal Cortex (Your Inner Wise Mind)

Intentional breathwork helps engage the prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain responsible for focus, decision-making, and emotional regulation. When you're stressed, this area often goes “offline,” and you may react impulsively. Conscious breathing helps bring it back online.

2. Calms the Amygdala (Your Inner Alarm System)

The amygdala is your brain’s fear center. It's quick to react when it perceives threat (even emotional ones). Studies show that slow breathing reduces amygdala activity, helping you respond rather than react.

3. Enhances Vagal Tone (The Body-Brain Superhighway)

The vagus nerve connects your brain to your heart, lungs, and gut. Breathwork—especially exhalation-focused breathing—stimulates the vagus nerve, improving what scientists call vagal tone. A high vagal tone is linked to better stress resilience, emotional regulation, and even immune function.

🌬️ Why the Exhale Matters More Than You Think

A key part of effective breathwork is the exhale. Long, slow exhales help activate the parasympathetic system. Try this:

Breathe in for a count of 4…

Hold for 2…

Exhale for a count of 6 or 8.

Notice the shift in your body? Longer exhales calm the system more deeply.

🧘‍♀️ Different Breathwork Techniques (and Their Effects)

Box Breathing (Inhale 4 – Hold 4 – Exhale 4 – Hold 4): Calms the mind, improves focus. Used by Navy SEALs and high-performance athletes.

4-7-8 Breathing: Reduces anxiety and helps with sleep.

Alternate Nostril Breathing (Nadi Shodhana): Balances brain hemispheres, reduces stress.

Breath of Fire / Wim Hof Method: Increases alertness, energizes the body, used in cold exposure and resilience training.

Each technique has different effects on the nervous system—some calm, some energize, all beneficial when used intentionally.

🧠 Breathwork Builds Neuroplasticity

Here’s the best part: the more you practice breathwork, the more your brain changes.

This is called neuroplasticity—your brain’s ability to rewire itself. With regular practice, calm becomes your new baseline. You're less reactive, more present, and more in control of your emotional world.

❤️ In Practice: Using Breathwork in Counselling and Everyday Life In a therapy setting, breathwork is a powerful grounding tool. Whether helping a client regulate anxiety, manage trauma responses, or simply become more aware of their body, breath is an anchor.

Outside therapy, breathwork can be your go-to:

* Before a difficult conversation

* During moments of overwhelm

* As part of a daily mindfulness or self-care ritual

* Even just one conscious breath can be a pause in the storm.

Final Thoughts

💨 Breath is the bridge between body and mind.

💨 It’s always with you, and it’s always available.

💨 And now we know—it literally changes your brain.

So next time you’re feeling scattered, anxious, or stuck, try this:

💨 💨 💨 Pause.

💨 Breathe in.

💨 Breathe out.

💨 And let your nervous system remember—you are safe.