Exploring Your Values
Our values help guide the way we want to live, the choices we make, and the way we relate to ourselves and others. Sometimes, however, life becomes so busy or complicated that we lose touch with what really matters to us.
Exploring your values can help you develop a clearer sense of what is important to you, where you may already be living in alignment with your values, and where there may be room for change.
Values work can be particularly helpful when you are feeling stuck, facing a difficult decision, experiencing relationship difficulties, or simply wanting to live a life that feels more meaningful and authentic.
If you would like to explore your values in a counselling session, get in touch with me here →
What Are Values?
Dr Russ Harris, who developed Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), describes values as:
“Values are your heart’s deepest desires for how you want to behave as a human being.”
Values aren't goals that we tick off a list or achievements that we eventually reach. They are qualities we can bring to our lives every day — in the way we treat ourselves, our relationships, our work, and the world around us.
For example, you might value kindness, honesty, creativity, connection, courage, compassion, family, freedom or growth.
There are no universally “right” or “wrong” values. We are all different, and what matters deeply to one person may not be as important to another.
Our values can also change over time. What was important to you in your twenties may not be quite as important in your fifties or seventies. Life experiences, relationships, becoming a parent, changes in work, loss, ageing and other significant events can all influence what matters to us.
The important question isn't whether you have the “right” values. It is whether the way you are living is consistent with what matters most to you.
Values in Relationships
Our values naturally influence our relationships. They can shape how we communicate, how we respond to conflict, what we expect from one another, and the kind of partner, friend or family member we want to be.
Dr Russ Harris suggests three particularly useful values to consider in relationships:
CARING — How do I want to care for myself and the people I love?
CONNECTION — How do I want to connect, communicate and be emotionally present with others?
CONTRIBUTION — What do I want to bring to my relationships and to the lives of those around me?
Sometimes relationship difficulties arise because two people have different values. At other times, we may share the same values but have very different ideas about what living according to those values looks like.
Exploring these differences can help couples understand one another more deeply and find ways of creating a relationship that reflects what matters to both people.
A Values Reflection
Take some quiet time to look through the list of values below.
1. Choose ten values
Which ten values feel most important to you at this point in your life?
2. Narrow your list to five
If you could keep only five, which would you choose? What makes these values particularly important to you?
3. Reflect on how you are living
For each of your five values, ask yourself:
- Am I making space for this value in my life?
- What do I already do that reflects this value?
- Is anything getting in the way of living according to this value?
- Is there a situation where I have moved away from this value?
- What is one small thing I could do this week to live more closely to this value?
You might also like to compare your values with a partner or close friend. Differences don't necessarily mean that one person's values are right and the other's are wrong. They can simply give us an opportunity to understand one another more deeply.
Values to Explore
There are many different values, and this list is simply a starting point. You may find that some words immediately resonate with you, while others don't feel particularly important.
Read through the list slowly and notice which words stand out to you.
RELATIONSHIPS & CONNECTION
CARING — to care for myself and others
COMPASSION — to respond to myself and others with understanding
CONNECTION — to develop meaningful connections with others
COOPERATION — to work collaboratively with others
FAMILY — to nurture loving and meaningful family relationships
FAITHFULNESS — to be loyal and trustworthy in my relationships
FRIENDSHIP — to develop close and supportive friendships
INTIMACY — to share myself openly and deeply with others
LOVE — to give and express love
RESPECT — to treat myself and others with respect
TRUST — to build relationships based on honesty, reliability and trust
PERSONAL GROWTH
ACCEPTANCE — to accept myself and others as we are
AUTHENTICITY — to live in a way that is true to who I am
CHALLENGE — to be willing to take on difficult tasks and grow through them
COURAGE — to face difficulty or uncertainty with courage
CREATIVITY — to express new and original ideas
CURIOSITY — to remain curious and interested in life
GROWTH — to continue learning and developing
KNOWLEDGE — to learn and deepen my understanding
MINDFULNESS — to be present and aware of the moment
SELF-KNOWLEDGE — to develop an honest understanding of myself
OPENNESS — to remain open to new ideas, experiences and possibilities
HOW I WANT TO TREAT OTHERS
COMPASSION — to respond with kindness and understanding
COURTESY — to be considerate and respectful
FORGIVENESS — to be willing to let go of resentment when appropriate
GENEROSITY — to give freely of my time, attention or resources
HELPFULNESS — to be of practical help to others
HONESTY — to be truthful and sincere
HUMILITY — to remain modest and open to learning
KINDNESS — to treat myself and others with care
PATIENCE — to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively
TOLERANCE — to respect people whose beliefs, experiences or ways of living differ from my own
FREEDOM & INDEPENDENCE
AUTONOMY — to make my own choices and take responsibility for them
FREEDOM — to live with a sense of choice and personal freedom
INDEPENDENCE — to develop the ability to rely on myself
NON-CONFORMITY — to think independently and question assumptions
ADVENTURE — to welcome new and exciting experiences
FLEXIBILITY — to adapt when circumstances change
RISK — to be willing to take considered risks when something matters to me
WELLBEING & BALANCE
HEALTH — to care for my physical and emotional wellbeing
SAFETY — to create a sense of safety and security
FITNESS — to care for and strengthen my body
INNER PEACE — to cultivate calm and peace within myself
LEISURE — to make time to rest and enjoy life
MODERATION — to seek balance rather than excess
PLEASURE — to make space for enjoyment and pleasure
SIMPLICITY — to live simply and focus on what matters
SOLITUDE — to value time and space for myself
STABILITY — to create consistency and stability in my life
MEANING & CONTRIBUTION
CONTRIBUTION — to make a meaningful contribution to the lives of others
ECOLOGY — to live with care and respect for the natural world
JUSTICE — to support fairness and equality
PURPOSE — to live with meaning and direction
SERVICE — to be of service to others
SPIRITUALITY — to explore and develop my spiritual life
HOW I WANT TO LIVE
COMMITMENT — to make meaningful commitments and honour them
DEPENDABILITY — to be reliable and trustworthy
DISCIPLINE — to follow through on what matters to me
FUN — to make room for play, laughter and enjoyment
HUMOUR — to appreciate and share humour
RESPONSIBILITY — to take responsibility for my choices and actions
SELF-ACCEPTANCE — to treat myself with acceptance rather than harsh judgement
SELF-COMPASSION — to treat myself with the same kindness I would offer someone I care about
SELF-CONTROL — to make conscious choices rather than simply acting on impulse
TRUSTWORTHINESS — to act in ways that others can rely upon
VITALITY — to engage with life with energy and enthusiasm
CREATIVITY & EXPRESSION
BEAUTY — to appreciate and create beauty
EXPRESSION — to express myself openly and creatively
PASSION — to engage deeply with the things that matter to me
PLAYFULNESS — to approach life with curiosity, lightness and play
ACHIEVEMENT & MASTERY
ACHIEVEMENT — to work towards meaningful accomplishments
COMPETENCE — to develop skill and confidence in what I do
MASTERY — to continually develop my abilities
EXCELLENCE — to strive to do things well
PURPOSE — to direct my energy towards things that have meaning
ROMANCE & PARTNERSHIP
AFFECTION — to express warmth, affection and tenderness
COMMITMENT — to nurture and honour meaningful commitments
INTIMACY — to share emotional and physical closeness
MONOGAMY — to build one committed and exclusive intimate relationship
UNDERSTANDING — to listen deeply and seek to understand another person's experience and perspective.ROMANCE — to bring affection, excitement and romance into my relationship
SEXUALITY — to express and experience sexuality in ways that feel healthy and meaningful to me
Are You Living According to Your Values?
Sometimes we know what matters to us but find ourselves living differently.
We may value family but spend very little time with the people we love. We may value health but continually put our own wellbeing last. We may value honesty but avoid difficult conversations. We may value connection but withdraw when we feel hurt.
This doesn't mean we have failed. Life is complicated, and there are often very good reasons why we find it difficult to live according to our values.
Rather than judging yourself, it can be more helpful to become curious:
What is getting in the way?
What matters to me here?
How would I like to respond?
What is one small step I could take towards the person I want to be?
Values aren't about becoming a perfect person. They are about continually choosing the direction in which you want to move.
Exploring Your Values in Counselling
Exploring your values can be a useful part of counselling when you are feeling uncertain about the direction of your life, navigating a significant change, making an important decision, or wanting to understand yourself more deeply.
Values can also be particularly helpful in relationship counselling, where differences in priorities, expectations and ways of living can sometimes create tension or misunderstanding.
If you would like support to explore your values and how they relate to your life or relationships, I invite you to get in touch with me →
Sessions are offered online for people in Port Macquarie and across Australia.