Money can be one of the areas that creates significant challenges for people and for their relationships. Have you noticed that money has become an issue in your relationship? Perhaps one of you is more comfortable spending, while the other is more focused on saving. Perhaps one person earns more, or one partner finds themselves juggling the bills and trying to keep the finances afloat.
Money can bring up strong feelings, particularly when two people have very different ideas about how it should be earned, saved or spent. Working together around money requires more than simply agreeing on a budget. It requires couples to understand what money means to each of them and to find ways of working towards shared goals.
It is also very easy for couples to fall into a parent/child dynamic around money. One person may take responsibility for managing everything, while the other becomes dependent or avoids taking responsibility. Over time, this can create resentment, frustration and a sense that the relationship is no longer an equal partnership.
You see, if money were simply money, perhaps we wouldn't have quite so many problems with it.
Money, Relationships and The Meaning We Give To It.
Money can also be a symbol. It can become connected with love, security, freedom, power, control, success or even self-worth. For some people, having money creates a feeling of safety. For others, spending money can bring pleasure, comfort or a temporary escape from difficult emotions.
This is one reason why arguments about money can sometimes seem much bigger than the amount of money actually involved.
To understand some of the issues we experience as adults, it can be helpful to look back at our family of origin. The attitudes and behaviours we observed growing up can influence the beliefs we develop about money.
What did money mean in your family when you were growing up?
Was money used to show love?
Was money used to control another person's behaviour?
Was money carefully saved, or was it spent freely?
Did money cause worry or conflict?
Was money something that was talked about openly, or was it rarely discussed?
Did you learn that having money meant being successful?
Did you see one parent taking responsibility for all the finances?
Was spending sometimes used to change emotions – what we might now call retail therapy?
These early experiences can become part of the beliefs we carry into our adult relationships, sometimes without us even realising it.
Now think about your own relationship with money.
Do you use spending to change how you feel?
Do you feel that you earn 'enough'?
And what would 'enough' actually look like for you?
Do you have a spending or savings plan?
Do you and your partner have shared financial goals?
Are you able to talk about money without becoming defensive, anxious or angry?
Do you feel that financial decisions are made as an equal partnership?
Do you give money to charity or use money to support other people, and what does that mean to you?
If money issues are a regular source of conflict, it may be worth looking beyond the actual dollars and asking what the money represents.
Is the argument really about spending? Or is it about feeling unheard?
Is it about saving? Or is it about needing to feel secure?
Is it about who earns the most? Or is it about power, independence or equality?
Sometimes, when we begin to understand the feelings and beliefs underneath our financial behaviours, we can start to see the pattern more clearly.
Learning to separate feelings from financial facts can be an important part of developing a healthier relationship with money. It can also help couples move away from blame and towards understanding and shared decision-making.
Creating a Healthier Relationship With Money
Money doesn't have to be a source of ongoing conflict. Couples can learn to talk about money differently, understand each other's beliefs and experiences, and work together towards financial goals that are meaningful to both of them.
If money has become a recurring source of conflict in your relationship, counselling can provide a space to explore not only the practical issues around money, but also the emotions, beliefs and relationship patterns that may sit underneath them.
Sometimes understanding why we respond to money in the way we do is the first step towards being able to make different choices.
