What is it that you would really like to be different about the situation?
After yoga one morning – incidentally, our yoga room overlooks the beautiful view above – we were having our morning tea and chatting, and our teacher told us about a book she had been reading called A Complaint Free World.
I think we must have all been moaning a lot about the heat, and whatever else was bothering us that day. Anyway... she explained about the book and how there is a 21-day challenge to go complaint-free.
This instigated a round-table discussion about how many things we regularly complain about without even really noticing it. The weather, politics, other people, things that aren't working, things that should have been done differently... the list can be surprisingly long!
And perhaps there is a reason complaining comes so easily to us.
Our brains are naturally inclined to notice what is wrong, what is different, what might be a problem and what needs our attention. From an evolutionary perspective, this makes sense. Our ancestors needed to be alert to danger. Noticing the rustle in the bushes that might have been a predator was much more important for survival than noticing that the flowers were looking particularly beautiful that morning.
We still have this tendency today. Our brains are constantly scanning, evaluating and comparing. Is this good or bad? Is this safe or dangerous? Is this better or worse? Is this fair or unfair? What's wrong here?
This is sometimes referred to as our negativity bias – our tendency to give more attention and weight to negative experiences than to positive ones.
There is nothing inherently wrong with this. Being able to notice problems helps us solve them and protect ourselves. The difficulty is that our brains can become very practised at looking for what is wrong. When we are stressed, tired or frustrated, this tendency can become even stronger.
Before we know it, we can find ourselves complaining without really considering what we are trying to achieve through the complaint.
So what if we changed our mindset around complaining?
What if, instead of simply trying to stop complaining, we became curious about what lies underneath it?
John Gottman, one of the most influential researchers in the field of relationships, has often highlighted the importance of looking beneath complaints and criticisms to discover the underlying need or longing.
Because underneath many complaints there is something we deeply want.
“You never listen to me” may really mean, “I want to feel heard.”
“You're always working” may really mean, “I miss you. I want more time with you.”
“You don't appreciate anything I do” may really mean, “I want to feel valued.”
The complaint is often about what is happening on the surface. The longing is about what matters underneath.
So the next time you hear yourself complaining, try pausing for a moment and asking yourself:
What am I really wanting here?
What am I longing for?
What would I like to be different?
Then see if you can turn the complaint into a positive request.
Instead of saying, “You never help around here,” perhaps the request is, “I'd really appreciate it if you could help me with the dishes tonight.”
Instead of, “You're always on your phone,” perhaps it is, “I'd love to have some uninterrupted time with you this evening.”
This doesn't mean that we should never complain. Sometimes we genuinely need to express frustration, disappointment or hurt. The important question is whether our complaint helps us move towards what we need, or whether it simply keeps us focused on what is wrong.
And what if we changed our reactions to other people's complaints too?
What if, instead of immediately judging the person who is complaining, we brought some curiosity to the conversation?
Don't get me wrong, I haven't been able to do this all the time either. I didn't make it to the 21 days! But I did become more aware of just how easily we can fall into complaining – and how quickly our brains can focus on what is wrong.
When we can bring an attitude of curiosity to another person, we can sometimes make real headway in our relationships. Rather than thinking, “Here they go again,” we might wonder, “What is really going on for them? What are they needing right now?”
Sometimes just allowing another person to have their voice heard can bring about a positive change.
And by listening beneath the complaint, we may discover the longing that the complaint has been masking.
Sometimes the complaint isn't really about the dishes, the phone, the lateness, the work or the weather.
Sometimes underneath the complaint is a much more vulnerable longing:
“Hear me.”
“Notice me.”
“Appreciate me.”
“Spend some time with me.”
“Help me.”
“Let me know that I matter.”
Perhaps the next time you find yourself complaining, rather than judging yourself for it, become curious.
What is the longing underneath my complaint?
And perhaps the next time someone complains to you, listen for the longing underneath theirs.
If you would like some support exploring your emotions, relationships or the challenges you are experiencing, counselling can provide a safe and supportive space to slow down, gain perspective and develop a deeper understanding of yourself.
