When "I Have To" Becomes a Habit
We all have habits and patterns that can become so automatic that we hardly stop to question them.
Are you someone who feels you have to do certain things a particular way? Perhaps you can't stand being late, you have to make the beds before you leave the house, or you find it difficult to relax when something is unfinished.
Have you ever stopped to wonder how you became this way? Or asked yourself what it costs you to keep doing things this way?
Where Did the Pattern Begin?
Take punctuality, for example. Perhaps being late was strongly discouraged when you were growing up. Maybe you were criticised, shamed or punished when you weren't on time. Over time, you may have learned an underlying rule: "I can't be late, or something bad will happen."
Years later, you're 20, 30, 50 or even 70, and you're running a little late. You notice yourself becoming tense. Your thoughts might be something like, "I've got to get there on time."
You may no longer be consciously thinking about the criticism or punishment you experienced as a child. You're an adult now, and the original situation is long gone. Yet some part of you may still be responding to the old rule — trying to avoid the discomfort, disapproval or consequences you once learned to fear.
The situation has changed, but the pattern may have stayed.
Once we become aware of a pattern, we have an opportunity to question it.
Instead of automatically reacting to the familiar feeling of "I have to," we can pause and ask ourselves:
What am I afraid will happen if I don't?
Is this really something I have to do?
Where did I learn this rule?
Does this rule still make sense for my life today?
And perhaps most importantly:
Is this pattern still serving me?
Becoming aware of an old pattern doesn't mean that we have to get rid of it. Being punctual, organised and considerate of others can all be valuable qualities.
The difference is having a choice.
Sometimes we can loosen an old rule and discover that nothing terrible happens.
We can be a little late.
We can say no.
We can make a mistake.
We can leave something unfinished.
We can allow someone else to be disappointed.
And we can begin to change "I have to" into "I choose to."
Sometimes we may even discover that something we have been carrying for years is a rule we no longer need at all.
Creating More Choice
Many of our habits and patterns developed for a reason. At some point, they may have helped us feel safe, avoid criticism, maintain control or gain approval.
But what helped us then may not always be what we need now.
When we slow down enough to notice our patterns, we can begin to understand them rather than simply judging ourselves for having them. And with that understanding comes the possibility of responding differently.
Instead of automatically following an old rule, we can pause, reflect and choose what feels appropriate for the person we are today.
If you would like some support exploring your emotions, relationships or the challenges you are experiencing, counselling can provide a safe and supportive space to slow down, gain perspective and develop a deeper understanding of yourself.
