The Trouble With “But”
One of the things I see quite often with couples is that they can start to learn to listen to each other remarkably well — and then undo much of the good work with one little word: “But…”
Active listening asks us to slow down and really hear what our partner is saying. We try to understand their point of view, reflect it back, and let them know that we have heard them.
And sometimes it goes beautifully:
“I can understand why you felt hurt when I didn't come home when I said I would.”
So far, so good.
Then comes:
“But you know how busy I've been…”
And suddenly the conversation has changed direction.
The first part of the sentence acknowledged your partner's experience. The but introduces your defence, explanation or counter-argument. Your partner may then hear the message as: “Yes, I heard you — but here's why your feelings don't really count.”
This is often not what was intended. Most people aren't deliberately trying to dismiss their partner. They are simply eager to explain themselves, correct something they believe is unfair, or make sure their own side of the story is heard too.
But timing matters.
Try “and” instead of “but”
One small change can make a surprising difference.
Instead of:
“I understand why you were upset, but I was exhausted.”
Try:
“I understand why you were upset, and I was exhausted too.”
Or:
“I can see why that hurt you, and I'd like to tell you what was happening for me as well.”
The second version doesn't require you to agree with everything your partner has said. It simply allows their experience and your experience to exist at the same time.
This is particularly important in couples counselling. There may be two very different perspectives in the room, and both people may have something important to say. The goal isn't to decide whose version is correct. It is to become curious enough to understand what is happening for each person.
Listen first. Explain later.
When you're practising active listening, try resisting the urge to defend yourself immediately.
First, make sure your partner feels heard.
Then, when they have finished, you can share your own perspective.
There is a big difference between:
“I hear what you're saying, but…”
and:
“I hear what you're saying, and I'd like to tell you how it was for me.”
The second doesn't erase the first person's experience. It makes room for another one.
And that is often what couples need most — not agreement, but the ability to hold two different experiences in the same conversation.
So the next time you hear yourself saying “Yes, but…”, pause for a moment.
Ask yourself:
“Can I leave their experience standing, and add mine beside it rather than arguing it away?”
Sometimes changing one little word can change the whole direction of a conversation.
If you would like some support exploring your emotions, relationships or the challenges you are experiencing, counselling can provide a safe and supportive space to slow down, gain perspective and develop a deeper understanding of yourself.
