Men and Emotions: What Happens When We’re Taught to Hide How We Feel?
Many men have heard messages like these from an early age.
They may not have been told directly that emotions are bad. Instead, they learned through watching the adults around them, listening to other boys, observing how their fathers responded to difficulties, and noticing which emotions were accepted—and which were not.
Anger might have been acceptable.
Sadness? Not so much.
Fear? Something to hide.
Vulnerability? Something that could make you look weak.
So a boy learns to put certain emotions away.
And over time, hiding emotions can become a way of life.
Men have emotions too
Men experience the full range of human emotions—sadness, fear, loneliness, grief, shame, anxiety, disappointment, tenderness, love and vulnerability.
But sometimes these emotions don't have a safe or familiar pathway for expression.
Instead, they may come out as:
This doesn't mean every angry or withdrawn man is secretly sad. Emotions are complex, and men's experiences are individual.
But sometimes anger is the emotion that has been given permission to exist when other emotions have not.
“I don't know what I'm feeling.”
One of the things I sometimes hear in counselling is:
“I don't know what I'm feeling.”
And that may be completely genuine.
If you've spent years pushing emotions aside, you may never have learned the language to identify them.
You may know that something isn't right—but not know whether you're hurt, frightened, overwhelmed, disappointed, lonely or ashamed.
Learning to recognise emotions isn't weakness.
It's emotional literacy.
And like any skill, it can be learned.
What happens when emotions are continually pushed down?
Emotions don't necessarily disappear because we don't talk about them.
They can find other ways of showing up.
Stress can affect sleep, concentration, relationships and physical wellbeing. Continually avoiding difficult emotions can also make it harder to seek support when life becomes overwhelming.
For some men, the consequences can become particularly serious.
In Australia, men are significantly less likely than women to seek help for mental health concerns, and suicide remains a major issue affecting men's health. This is one reason changing the way we think about men's emotional wellbeing matters.
Talking about emotions isn't just about becoming more expressive. It can be about becoming healthier.
And it matters in relationships too.
When a man has learned to shut down emotionally, their partner may experience this as:
But underneath the silence there may be something quite different:
“I don't know how to tell you what is happening inside me.”
That doesn't mean a partner should have to guess or accept emotional withdrawal indefinitely.
Healthy relationships require both people to develop the ability to communicate what they feel, listen to each other and stay engaged—even when conversations are uncomfortable.
We can teach boys something different
Perhaps we need to stop asking boys to “toughen up” and start teaching them how to be emotionally strong.
Emotional strength isn't never crying.
It isn't never being afraid.
It isn't pretending everything is okay.
Emotional strength is being able to recognise what you're feeling, tolerate difficult emotions, talk about them, ask for help when you need it, and remain connected to yourself and the people you love.
A boy who learns that it is safe to say “I'm scared,” “I'm hurt,” “I'm lonely,” or “I need some help” isn't becoming weaker.
We're giving him skills that can serve him for the rest of his life.
And perhaps one of the most powerful things we can teach the next generation of boys is this:
You don't have to hide your emotions to be a man.