Relationships are built in the little moments.
Not just in the big conversations, romantic holidays, anniversaries, or declarations of love—but in the ordinary moments that happen every day.
Your partner tells you about something that happened at work.
They show you something funny on their phone.
They sigh and say, “I’ve had such a hard day.”
They reach for your hand.
They ask, “Do you think I look okay?”
They start telling you about something that matters to them.
And in each of these moments, there is often a choice:
Do I turn towards my partner, or do I turn away?
Relationship researchers Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Sue Johnson approached relationships from different therapeutic and research traditions, but their work comes together around a powerful idea: emotional connection is created through responsiveness.
At the heart of both approaches is a deceptively simple question:
“Are you there for me?”
What Does It Mean to Turn Towards?
John Gottman describes a bid as an attempt to connect with another person. A bid might be obvious, such as:
“Can you give me a hug?”
But many bids are much more subtle.
“Look at this.”
“You’ll never believe what happened today.”
“Are you listening?”
“I’m exhausted.”
“Did you notice the sunset?”
“Want to come for a walk?”
Even a simple comment about the weather can be a bid.
The words themselves may not appear particularly important. But underneath them may be another message:
“Connect with me.”
“Notice me.”
“Share this moment with me.”
“Do I matter to you?”
Gottman identifies three broad ways we can respond to these bids: we can turn towards, turn away, or turn against. Turning towards means noticing and responding positively. Turning away means missing, ignoring, or not responding to the bid. Turning against involves responding negatively or dismissively.
And while one missed bid is unlikely to determine the fate of a relationship, patterns matter.
Gottman’s research found a striking difference between newlywed couples who remained married and those who later divorced: couples who stayed together turned towards one another’s bids approximately 86% of the time, compared with about 33% among couples who divorced within the six-year study period.
That doesn't mean that couples need to respond perfectly 86% of the time—or that a relationship can be reduced to a single statistic.
Rather, it illustrates something important:
The everyday moments of connection matter.
Turning Away Doesn't Always Look Like Rejection
When we think about rejection, we often imagine something obvious:
“Leave me alone.”
“I don't care.”
“That's ridiculous.”
But turning away can be much quieter.
Your partner is talking while you continue scrolling on your phone.
They tell you something exciting and you give a distracted “mm-hmm.”
They reach for affection and you don't respond.
They try to start a conversation and you change the subject.
They tell you they're struggling and you immediately offer a solution instead of connecting with the emotion.
Sometimes turning away isn't intentional at all.
You may be exhausted.
You may be overwhelmed.
You may genuinely not have the emotional capacity to engage in that particular moment.
And this is important: healthy relationships don't require constant availability or perfect responsiveness.
We will all miss bids.
We will all get distracted.
We will all sometimes turn away.
The goal isn't perfection.
The goal is repair and responsiveness over time.
Sue Johnson Helps Us Understand What Is Underneath the Bid
This is where Dr. Sue Johnson's attachment-based perspective adds another layer.
Johnson's Emotionally Focused Therapy views romantic relationships through the lens of attachment. Human beings are wired to seek emotional connection with significant others. We want to know that when we are vulnerable, our partner will be accessible, responsive and engaged with us.
Johnson refers to these qualities as A.R.E.:
Accessible – Can I reach you?
Responsive – Will you respond to me?
Engaged – Are you emotionally present with me?
These questions sit underneath much of what happens in intimate relationships.
So when your partner says, “Can we talk?” the deeper question might be:
“Are you emotionally available to me?”
When they become upset because you didn't call:
“Can I count on you?”
When they become angry that you didn't notice something important:
“Do I matter to you?”
When they withdraw:
“Is it safer for me not to need you?”
This is one of the profound contributions of attachment theory: it helps us see that underneath many relationship conflicts are longings for connection and fears of disconnection.
The Protest Can Look Like Anger
One of the easiest mistakes we can make in relationships is to respond only to the behaviour we can see.
Your partner criticises you.
You see criticism.
Your partner becomes demanding.
You see neediness.
Your partner withdraws.
You see indifference.
Your partner becomes defensive.
You see defensiveness.
But Johnson's work encourages us to become curious about what may be happening underneath these behaviours.
Sometimes anger is carrying hurt.
Sometimes criticism is carrying longing.
Sometimes withdrawal is carrying fear.
Sometimes pursuing is carrying panic about losing connection.
Johnson describes distressed couples as becoming caught in repetitive interactional patterns—dances in which each partner's response triggers the next response. One partner reaches harder; the other withdraws. The withdrawal creates more anxiety; the anxiety creates more pursuit. Both partners can end up feeling alone while simultaneously fighting desperately for the relationship.
The problem becomes less about who is right and more about the cycle the couple has become trapped in.
Turning Towards Means Responding to the Emotion Underneath
Imagine a partner says:
“You never listen to me.”
The instinctive response might be:
“That isn't true. I listen to you all the time!”
Now the argument is about evidence.
But what if the deeper message is:
“I don't feel important to you.”
A turning-toward response might sound more like:
“I can hear that you're feeling really alone with me right now. I don't want you to feel like you don't matter to me.”
That doesn't mean agreeing with every accusation.
It means responding to the emotion and attachment need underneath the words.
This is an important distinction.
Turning towards is not the same as saying yes to everything your partner says.
You can disagree with your partner and still turn towards them.
You can say:
“I see this differently, but I really want to understand why this matters so much to you.”
Or:
“I can't talk about this properly right now because I'm overwhelmed, but I don't want to leave you alone with it. Can we come back to this after dinner?”
That's responsiveness.
You're communicating:
“I can't give you everything right now, but I am still here.”
Turning Away Can Create a Painful Cycle
Repeated experiences of disconnection can gradually change how partners experience one another.
If I repeatedly reach for you and you don't respond, I may eventually stop reaching.
I might tell myself:
“There's no point.”
“I'll deal with it myself.”
“They don't really care.”
“I shouldn't need anyone.”
And you may interpret my withdrawal as:
“They don't want me.”
“They're cold.”
“They've checked out.”
So you withdraw further.
And I reach even less.
This is how emotional distance can grow—not necessarily through one enormous betrayal, but through thousands of tiny moments in which partners stop reaching for each other.
Eventually, couples can begin living parallel lives.
They may still function well as a household.
They may organise the children.
Pay the bills.
Go to work.
Plan holidays.
Share a bed.
But emotionally, they can begin to feel like strangers.
Turning Towards Doesn't Mean Being Endlessly Available
Turning Towards Means Responding to the Emotion Underneath
This is an important point because the idea of “turning towards” can easily become another impossible relationship standard.
You don't have to drop everything every time your partner speaks.
You don't have to be cheerful when you're exhausted.
You don't have to agree.
You don't have to solve every problem.
And you certainly don't have to tolerate disrespect or harmful behaviour in the name of connection.
Sometimes turning towards sounds like:
“I really want to hear this, but I need ten minutes to finish what I'm doing. Can we talk after that?”
That's very different from:
“Not now.”
And then never returning to the conversation.
Turning towards is about communicating that the relationship matters—even when you need boundaries, space or time.
So, What Does Turning Towards Actually Look Like?
It can be remarkably ordinary.
Your partner walks into the room:
Turn away: Keep looking at your phone.
Turn towards: Look up and say, “Hey, how are you?”
Your partner says: “Work was awful today.”
Turn away: “Mine was worse.”
Turn towards: “Oh no. What happened?”
Your partner says: “Look at this!”
Turn away: Ignore them.
Turn towards: “Okay, show me.”
Your partner seems quiet.
Turn away: Assume they're fine.
Turn towards: “You seem a little distant. Is something going on?”
Your partner reaches for you.
Turn away: Pull away without explanation.
Turn towards: Reach back—or, if you can't right now, explain why.
These moments take seconds.
But seconds become minutes.
Minutes become days.
And days become the emotional climate of a relationship.
What If You Have Already Been Turning Away?
This is where hope is important.
If you recognise yourself in this article, the answer isn't to become overwhelmed with guilt.
Perhaps you've been distracted.
Perhaps you've been protecting yourself.
Perhaps you learned somewhere along the way that needing someone was unsafe.
Perhaps you've been hurt so many times that turning towards feels risky.
Perhaps both of you have been stuck in the same cycle for years.
The answer isn't:
“We need to stop doing this.”
It is:
“Let's understand what's happening between us.”
Sue Johnson's work emphasises the importance of recognising the negative cycle and moving towards more vulnerable, emotionally engaged conversations. When partners can risk sharing the softer emotions and attachment needs underneath their reactions, they have an opportunity to create new experiences of safety and connection.
And Gottman's work gives couples a wonderfully practical place to start:
Notice the bids.
A Simple Practice for This Week
For the next seven days, don't try to fix your entire relationship.
Instead, become curious.
Notice when your partner makes a bid for connection.
Ask yourself:
“What is my partner reaching for right now?”
Then pause before responding.
Can you turn towards?
Maybe it's simply:
“Yes.”
“Tell me more.”
“I hear you.”
“I'm here.”
“Come sit with me.”
“That's exciting!”
“I'm sorry—that sounds really hard.”
“Do you want a hug?”
And if you genuinely can't engage in that moment:
“I want to hear you. I'm just really overloaded right now. Can we talk after dinner?”
Then come back.
Because turning towards isn't about creating a perfect relationship.
It is about creating a relationship in which both people increasingly experience:
I can reach for you.
You will notice me.
My feelings matter to you.
I matter to you.
We can find our way back to each other.
Love Is Built in the Turning
Gottman's research reminds us that relationships are strengthened through the small, repeated choices we make to respond to one another. Johnson's attachment work reminds us why those choices carry such emotional weight: we are not simply looking for a conversation partner. We are looking for a person who can be a safe haven—a person we can reach for when life is hard and with whom we can share our most vulnerable selves.
We will all turn away sometimes.
We will miss bids.
We will become distracted, defensive, overwhelmed or afraid.
That's human.
What matters is what happens next.
Can we notice?
Can we repair?
Can we soften?
Can we turn back?
Because perhaps one of the most important skills in a long-term relationship isn't learning how to avoid every moment of disconnection.
Perhaps it is learning how to turn back towards each other.
Again and again.
In the ordinary moments.
In the difficult moments.
In the moments when we are tired, hurt or afraid.
And in those tiny moments, we send one of the most powerful messages a person can receive:
“I'm here. I see you. You matter to me. We're in this together.”
References: The Gottman Institute, Dr Sue Johnson - EFT.
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