A gentle guide for partners, parents, siblings, friends, when emotions become intense
For the purpose of this post, I'll use partner, however it's just the same whether you're a partner, a parent, a family member, a workmate, have I missed anyone out? A human being who'd like to improve their relationships.
When emotions become very intense in a relationship, it can be difficult to know what to say or do. This can be particularly challenging when your partner experiences strong fears of rejection or abandonment, or has difficulty regulating intense emotions.
The purpose of this handout is not to give you responsibility for managing your partner's emotions. Instead, it offers some ideas to help you understand what may be happening and, importantly, how you can respond while also looking after yourself.
🌿 When emotions escalate
Sometimes a small event can become connected to a much bigger emotional experience.
For example:
Something happens
↓
An emotion is triggered
↓
The emotion becomes very intense
↓
A meaning is attached to what has happened
"You don't care about me."
"You're going to leave me."
↓
A strong reaction follows
↓
The other person reacts
↓
The cycle becomes stronger
When someone is emotionally overwhelmed, it can be difficult for them to think clearly or see the situation from another perspective.
At the same time, your own nervous system may become activated too.
You may feel angry, frightened, defensive, confused or desperate to make the situation stop.
This is often where the cycle can escalate.
What Feelings Need
Sadness needs comfort
Fear needs safety & security
Anger needs patience, boundaries, and safety
🛑 STOP before you respond
One of the mindfulness skills is the STOP technique. It can be useful when you notice yourself becoming emotionally activated.
S — STOP
Don't immediately react.
T — TAKE A STEP BACK
Pause. Breathe. Give yourself a moment.
O — OBSERVE
Ask yourself:
What am I feeling?
What is happening right now?
What might my partner be feeling?
Am I becoming defensive or frightened?
Am I reacting to the present moment or to everything that has happened before?
P — PROCEED MINDFULLY
Ask:
"What response is most likely to help rather than make this situation worse?"
You don't have to solve everything in that moment.
Sometimes the most helpful response is to pause.
Validation
💛 Validation doesn't mean agreement
One of the most useful skills when emotions are high is validation.
Validation means acknowledging that someone's feelings make sense from their perspective.
It does not mean agreeing with everything they are saying or accepting behaviour that is hurtful.
Instead of:
"You're overreacting."
Try:
"I can see that this has really upset you."
Instead of:
"That's ridiculous."
Try:
"I can hear how hurt you are."Instead of:
"You always do this."
Try:
"I can see this is bringing up a lot of emotion for you."
You can validate the emotion without agreeing with the interpretation.
For example:
"I understand that you're feeling rejected. I don't see the situation in quite the same way, but I can understand that it feels painful for you."
🧠Wise Mind
DBT describes three ways we can experience our thinking:
EMOTION MIND
"I'm hurt. I'm angry. I need to respond now."
REASONABLE MIND
"Let's look at the facts. What actually happened?"
WISE MIND
"I can acknowledge my feelings, consider the facts and choose how I want to respond."
When emotions are high, try asking yourself:
What am I feeling? What do I know to be factually true? What response fits the person I want to be?
🧱 Compassion AND boundaries
Understanding emotional dysregulation does not mean accepting behaviour that is harmful.
You can care about someone's pain and have boundaries.
You might say:
"I want to talk about this with you, but I don't want us to hurt each other. Let's take some time and come back to it when we're calmer."
Or:
"I hear that you're very upset. I'm willing to talk about what has happened, but I won't continue the conversation while we are shouting at each other."
A boundary is not a punishment. A boundary is about being clear about what you will and won't participate in.
🌱 And remember...
You are not responsible for regulating another person's emotions.
You can listen.
You can show compassion.
You can communicate clearly.
You can learn about emotional intelligence.
You can work on your own responses.
And you can set healthy boundaries.
Ultimately it is their responsibility, just as managing your emotions is yours.
A final reflection
When I notice myself becoming emotionally overwhelmed, I can:
STOP
Pause before reacting.
NOTICE
What am I feeling?
VALIDATE
What might my partner be experiencing?
BOUNDARY
What is okay for me and what isn't?
CHOOSE
What response reflects the person I want to be?
Understanding someone's emotional world doesn't mean losing yourself in it.
Kareen Fellows – Counselling
