When Suicide Touches a Family
Suicide has touched our family in a very personal way.
My husband's sister died by suicide in 2000. She was only 52 years old and left a young family behind. Nine years later, in 2009, his brother also died by suicide. He was 59 and, like his sister, left a young family behind.
Both deaths were a profound shock. Losing one sibling in this way was difficult enough, but losing a second was something our family could never have imagined. My husband lost both his sister and his brother, and their children lost a parent.
What I have learned through these experiences is that the grief following suicide can be very deep and, at times, feel as though it never really ends. There is often the question of "why?" And then there are all the things you discover afterwards that can make that question even harder.
His brother had reached out to us. We had made a commitment to one another to try to keep him safe, and we genuinely believed we were doing what we could to support him. In the end, he wasn't able to keep that commitment. That was incredibly difficult for my husband and for all of us to come to terms with.
There can be so many unanswered questions after a suicide. You go back over conversations and memories. You wonder what you missed, what you could have done differently, and whether there was something more you could have said or done. These questions can stay with you for a very long time.
My husband experienced a deep depression following the loss of his brother. Watching someone you love try to make sense of such a loss brings home just how far the impact of suicide can reach. The person who dies is not the only person affected. Partners, parents, siblings, children and friends can all carry the loss with them.
Over time, I have come to understand that there isn't a simple answer to the question of how a family recovers from suicide. Grief changes, but it doesn't necessarily disappear. Some days the loss may feel distant; on other days something can bring it right back.
What I do believe is that we need to be able to talk about suicide with compassion and without judgement. We need to be able to reach out when we are struggling, and we need to be able to talk about the impact on those who are left behind.
I share our family's experience because suicide is not an abstract subject to me. I have seen the devastation it can leave behind, and I have also learned how important compassion, connection and honest conversations can be.
One of the hardest parts of those years was watching my husband grieve.
I remember seeing him at night, sitting up in bed and rocking himself with the pain and sadness. There was nothing I could say that could make that grief go away. Sometimes all I could do was sit beside him and be there.
I was grateful for my counselling experience because it gave me some understanding of how to support someone who was going through such profound grief. But understanding grief professionally is very different from sitting beside someone you love while they are living through it. Watching someone you love hurt that deeply is difficult in a way that is hard to describe.
We eventually attended a grief workshop. Unfortunately, I didn't find it particularly helpful. One of the things that was said was that someone who had not lost a person to suicide could not really understand what the bereaved person was experiencing.
I remember thinking about that as I sat beside my husband night after night. I knew I could never experience his grief in exactly the same way he did. His brother and sister were his siblings, and that loss was uniquely his. But I was there with him. I witnessed his pain, listened to him, sat beside him and walked through those difficult years with him.
That experience taught me something important about grief: we don't necessarily have to have experienced exactly the same loss to be able to sit alongside someone who is suffering. We may not be able to take away their pain, or completely understand what it feels like from the inside, but we can listen. We can stay. We can bear witness.
Sometimes there is nothing to fix. There is simply another human being in pain who needs someone willing to sit beside them.
When the Story Has a Different Ending
There was another experience that personally deepened my understanding of suicide and the importance of reaching out for help.
In 2016, my daughter-in-law experienced a severe postnatal depression after the birth of her baby. She was very unwell and was experiencing suicidal thoughts. Her baby was still very young, so our family became involved in keeping a close watch over her and making sure she wasn't left alone.
It was a deeply distressing time. When it became clear that she needed more help than we could provide, we called an ambulance and she was taken to hospital.
Thankfully, she received the treatment and professional support she needed and came through that very difficult period.
That experience taught me something else about suicide: sometimes the outcome can be different when someone is able to receive the right help at the right time. Reaching out, taking suicidal thoughts seriously and involving professional support can make an enormous difference.
Having experienced both suicide loss and the fear of potentially losing someone to suicide, I have a deep respect for how frightening and overwhelming these situations can be for families.
I also know that the person who is struggling is not the only one affected. Partners, parents, children and other family members can find themselves frightened, exhausted and unsure of what to do.
Sometimes the most important thing we can do is recognise that we don't have to manage it alone. There are times when professional or emergency help is needed, and asking for that help is not a failure. It is an act of care.
- Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 - Chat online 24 hours a day →
- Lifeline 13 11 14 - Chat online 24 hours a day →
- Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 - Visit their website →
- If there is immediate danger, call 000
- You can also go to the emergency department at your local hospital.
This is not a crisis service - please contact one of the services above if you or your loved one is in crisis.
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