Kareen Fellows Counselling - Relationship, Emotional Wellbeing & Mindfulness Resources

Welcome to my counselling and wellbeing blog, where you'll find resources and practical information for individuals and couples. Explore articles about relationships, emotional wellbeing, communication, mindfulness, attachment, boundaries, emotional regulation, self-awareness and navigating life's challenges. You'll also find practical exercises, reflection ideas and tools to support personal growth, healthier relationships and greater emotional wellbeing.

Thinking in colour and images

What? Thinking in colour? Sometimes it seems to me that we can all be found guilty of thinking in black and white... either or scenarios. Let me explain... something happens at home, we put the brakes on... and then before you know it we are in an argument saying... 'it's my way or get out'... and so many relationships can finish that way. Relationships that may have you wondering later on, why did I leave like that?

Perhaps black and white thinking can be helpful sometimes, when we need to put the brakes on in certain areas of our lives. When we drink to much and want to start moderating, or stopping. However studies have proven that our brain loves images and colour.

So lets consider colour and image thinking. When other people are important to us, we need to start thinking outside our normal way of response.

We need to start to become creative and work together to find out news of being together. This is where mind mapping can be helful... you might like to read Tony Buzan's book on Mind Mapping or watch the video below.

Mind Map Image from: Buzan

If you would like some support exploring your emotions, relationships or the challenges you are experiencing, counselling can provide a safe and supportive space to slow down, gain perspective and develop a deeper understanding of yourself.

Get In Touch →

the Peace Pavillion

On a recent visit to the Arts Centre at The Gold Coast, I discovered a gem in the middle of the park at the back of the centre. The Peace Pavillion. I don't know if the same feeling of peace will be felt by looking at these pictures, that I felt while wandering around there, but I hope so.

The Peace Pavillion... is dedicated to each person who spends a few moments of the day discovering inner peace. You are joining people from all over the world who celebrate peace as a an active part of their lives.

If peace were a picture what would it be?
If you could touch peace, how would it feel?
let your thoughts slow down completely,
Imagine you are spiritual light.

My natural positive energy is beginning to flow.
I am serene, calm and confident,
filling with lightness and ease.
Quietness encircles me
I feel close to the Source of peace and love
I absorb soothing streams of silence and power
Peace is mine I feel renewed.

I am a Peaceful Soul
and I take this into the world.

The Culture of Peace

Give Peace a chance... John Lennon

We walk together on sacred ground, Black feet, white feet, footprints soft upon the land. The Dreaming moves beneath our feet. The landscape is alive. Pitjantjatjara People.

It is important from time to time to slow down, to go away by yourself, and simply be. Eileen Caddy

Although it is difficult to bring about peace
Through internal transformation, this is the only way to achieve lasting peace. The Dalai Lama

It is only with the heart that I can really see.
What is essential is invisible to the eye. Antoine de St Exupery

We seek to heal our past and move on together. Mark Dodson

And the Peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds. Philippians 4

God is the friend of silence. Trees, flowers, grass grow in silence.
See the stars, moon, and sun how they move in silence. Mother Theresa

Aim at heaven and you will get the earth thrown in.
Aim at earth and you will get neither. CS Lewis

Peace is the vessel in which all blessings are contained. The Talmud

I believe in the sun even when it is not shining. Anne Frank

It gets dark sometimes, but morning comes. Keep hope alive. Rev Jesse Jackson

Reach out for your spiritual side, for it is the only possible way that you can be who you are... Receive the fullness in your heart that is yours for we are of a spiritual design and destiny my brothers and sisters. The Confederation Tribes of Warm Springs Oregon

"Would you tell me please, which way I ought to go from here?" asked Alice
"That depends a great deal on where you want to get to". said the Cat
Lewis Carroll

When you do the things that you can do, you will find the Way and the Way will follow you. Winnie the Pooh

Be melting snow. Wash yourself of yourself. Rumi

Separating Self-Worth and Behaviour

Separating Who You Are From What You Do

One of the most important things we can learn — both as parents and as adults — is that there is a difference between who we are and what we do.

Our behaviour can change. We make mistakes. We sometimes behave in ways we are not proud of. We can lose our temper, make poor choices, forget something important or hurt someone we love.

None of these things mean that we are a bad person.

Imagine this scene: a three-year-old asks repeatedly, “Mama, do you love me?” Each time, Mum answers, “Of course I do.” Then the child takes her hand and leads her to a broken flowerpot or shattered toy and looks at her questioningly.

Here is a little child, only three years old, already asking one of the most profound psychological questions any of us can ask:

“Is my ability to be loved connected to what I do? Am I the same as my behaviour?”

The answer for all of us, no matter how old we are, should be the same:

No, indeed!

We are not our behaviour.

This distinction is particularly important when we are raising children. When a child misbehaves, we can respond to the behaviour without attacking the child's sense of self.

Instead of saying, “You're a bad boy,” we can say, “That wasn't a kind thing to do.” Instead of “You're such a naughty girl,” we might say, “I don't like what happened here. Let's work out what we can do differently next time.”

The message becomes: your behaviour needs to change, but you are still loved and respected.

And interestingly, this is just as important in the way we speak to ourselves.

How often do we turn something we have done into a judgement about who we are?

“I made a mistake” can quickly become “I'm useless.”

“I handled that badly” becomes “I'm a terrible person.”

“I didn't achieve what I wanted” becomes “I'm a failure.”

When we do this, a behaviour or experience becomes an identity.

There is a great deal of freedom in learning to separate the two. We can take responsibility for what we do without condemning ourselves for who we are. We can acknowledge mistakes, make amends, learn something and try again — without adding shame to the experience.

Self-worth doesn't need to be earned through perfect behaviour.

Remember: you are not simply what you do, any more than you are what you wear. Your behaviour is something you can change. Your worth is something much deeper.

Lou Tice's work reminds us that the way we speak to ourselves — and the way we speak to children — can influence the beliefs we develop about who we are.

A little reminder for today:

You can take responsibility for your behaviour without making your behaviour your identity.

Article inspired by the work of Lou Tice.

Get In Touch →

Dissolving Frustrations

Understanding Frustration

Frustration is a very human emotion. It often appears when something isn't going the way we want, when we feel blocked, unheard, disappointed or unable to change a situation.”

Sometimes frustration is useful. It can alert us that something isn't working, that a need isn't being met, or that we need to make a change. But frustration can also become a familiar pattern — particularly when we keep focusing on what someone else is doing, what should be different, or what isn't fair.

This is where it can be helpful to pause and become curious about our frustration.

What is it that I'm wanting?

What am I expecting to be different?

Is this something I can influence or change?

What part of this situation is actually within my control?

We can't always change another person's behaviour, make someone understand us, or make a situation turn out the way we hoped. Continuing to focus on what another person should be doing can leave us feeling increasingly powerless and frustrated.

Sometimes the more helpful question is not “Why won't they change?” but “What can I do from here?”

This doesn't mean taking responsibility for someone else's behaviour. It means recognising our own choices, responses, boundaries and expectations.

From frustration to choice

Frustration can sometimes keep us focused on what is happening to us. We can become caught in thoughts such as, “They never listen,” “This always happens to me,” or “It's not fair.” These thoughts may contain some truth, but if we stay there, we can become stuck.

Instead, we can ask ourselves:

What is this frustration telling me?
What do I need?
Is there a request I need to make?
Is there a boundary I need to set?
Is there something I need to accept or let go of?

Sometimes frustration is asking us to take action. Sometimes it is asking us to have a difficult conversation. And sometimes it is showing us that we are trying to control something that isn't ours to control.

Learning to sit with frustration rather than immediately reacting to it gives us a little space between the feeling and our response. In that space, we have the opportunity to choose.

We may not be able to control what happens, but we can often choose how we respond.

A simple pause

The next time you notice yourself becoming frustrated, try pausing before reacting and asking:

“What am I wanting to be different here — and what is within my control?”

That small shift can move us from frustration and helplessness towards awareness, responsibility and choice.

Get In Touch →

How to Get More of What you Want...

Where We Put Our Attention

There is an old saying that we get more of what we focus on. It is an idea I have always found useful, particularly when thinking about our relationships.

Serge Kahili King, who taught the principles of Huna, expressed it beautifully: “Energy flows where attention goes.”

Think about how easily this happens in everyday life. If you are worried about something, your attention keeps returning to it. You notice every little thing that confirms your worry. The problem seems to get bigger because it is occupying more and more of your attention.

The same thing can happen in our relationships.

We can become very good at noticing what our partner isn't doing. We notice the untidy kitchen, the forgotten task, the irritating habit, the phone that is always being checked, or the conversation that didn't go the way we wanted.

And when we repeatedly point these things out, we may believe we are helping the other person change. But criticism keeps both people focused on what is wrong. Over time, it can create frustration, defensiveness and resentment.

What if, instead, we deliberately began looking for what we do want?

What if we noticed when our partner makes an effort? When they listen? When they put their phone down and give us their attention? When they do something thoughtful without being asked?

And what if we told them?

This isn't about pretending that problems don't exist or avoiding difficult conversations. Healthy relationships still need honesty, boundaries and the ability to talk about things that aren't working.

It is about where we place our attention.

If most of our conversations are about what is wrong, our relationship can begin to feel like a list of problems that need fixing. But when we also notice what is working, what we appreciate and what we want more of, we create a different emotional environment.

King's principle is simple: “Energy flows where attention goes.” What we repeatedly give our attention to becomes more prominent in our awareness.

So perhaps the question is not only, “What do I want my partner to stop doing?”

Perhaps an even more useful question is:

“What would I like to see more of?”

Then look for it. Notice it. Appreciate it. Talk about it.

Because sometimes the change we are hoping to create begins with changing what we are paying attention to.

Based on ideas from Lou Tice and Serge Kahili King

Get In Touch →

Talking with Teens

What should parents do if they want their teenagers to confide in them? Dr. Joyce Vedral, author of several books on the teenager-parent relationship, asked a large number of teens to answer this question, and here is what they said.

Generally, teenagers tend to feel comfortable talking with those parents with whom they can laugh and joke, parents whose understanding they know can count on. When asked why they would choose one parent over another to confide in, they invariably say they choose the one who stays calm even when they, themselves, are emotional, and who never says things like, "That shouldn't bother you."

Here's something else that's critical. In our efforts to get our teenagers to talk to us, many of us neglect to talk to them - especially about how much we appreciate, love and admire them. Sometimes we get so caught up in our efforts to keep our kids on the right track that we forget to tell them how great they are. That is a big mistake.

Nothing can be more encouraging and more conducive to building their self-esteem than you taking the time to express confidence that they have what it takes to make it in life.

They may not tell you on the spot how much your approval matters to them, but believe me, it does.

P.S. Don't feel guilty if you haven't done these things so far. There's no time like the present to start!

Lou Tice

Get In Touch →

Listening to Teens

When Your Teenager Stops Talking

One of the most frustrating things for parents of teenagers can be trying to have a conversation with them. One minute they are happily chatting away, and the next you are met with a shrug, a grunt or the infamous teenage “whatever!”

It can be easy to assume that teenagers simply don't want to talk to their parents. But often, that's not quite true. They may very much want connection with you, while at the same time being unsure how to ask for it.

Sometimes the way we respond when they do open up can unintentionally teach them that it's safer to keep things to themselves.

Listening is not the same as fixing.

When your teenager tells you about a problem, it can be tempting to jump straight in with advice, a lecture or a reminder about what they “should” have done. As parents, this usually comes from a good place. We want to protect them and help them avoid mistakes.

But sometimes what they need first is simply to be heard.

Try listening without immediately correcting, questioning or solving the problem. You don't have to agree with everything they say. You can simply let them know that their feelings make sense from their point of view.

Take their feelings seriously.

What seems like a small problem to an adult can feel enormous to a teenager. A friendship falling apart, being left out, an argument with a partner, worries about school or feeling different from everyone else can carry a lot of emotional weight.

Responses such as “It's not that bad” or “You'll laugh about this one day” may be intended to reassure, but they can leave a young person feeling misunderstood.

Instead, try something as simple as: “That sounds really difficult. Do you want me to listen, or would you like some ideas?”

That little question can make a big difference.

And if you've got it wrong, repair it.

None of us gets parenting right all the time. If you realise that you interrupted, dismissed their feelings or turned a conversation into a lecture, you can go back and acknowledge it.

“I think I went into lecture mode when you were trying to tell me something. I'm sorry. If you'd like to talk about it again, I'm ready to listen.”

That kind of repair teaches your teenager something incredibly valuable: relationships don't have to be perfect. We can make mistakes, take responsibility and reconnect.

Most importantly, keep the door open. Your teenager may not talk when it is convenient for you. Sometimes the most important conversation happens in the car, late at night, while you're cooking dinner or when you're both doing something completely unrelated.

You may not always get the timing you would choose. But being someone they can come to without immediately being judged, lectured or dismissed gives them a much better chance of coming to you when they really need you.

If communication between you and your teenager has broken down, family counselling can sometimes help everyone find a different way of listening and being heard. You don't have to wait until things become a crisis before asking for support.

After all, underneath the eye rolls, closed bedroom doors and “I'm fine” responses, your teenager is still growing, learning and working out who they are. Your relationship with them may change dramatically during these years, but the need for connection doesn't disappear.

Get In Touch →

Kareen Fellows Counselling - Relationship, Emotional Wellbeing & Mindfulness Resources

Pages

Thinking in colour and images

the Peace Pavillion

Separating Self-Worth and Behaviour

Dissolving Frustrations

How to Get More of What you Want...

Talking with Teens

Listening to Teens

Labels