De stress these holidays - and make the season bright
One thing that we always have power over is our own attitude. Our attitude and the way we talk to ourselves, can either contribute to stress or help to reduce it. Have you ever found yourself mulling over a situation and then finding yourself getting more and more stressed? Well now... what if you were to mull over things that you enjoy, beautiful places in nature that you love to go to, music that you enjoy, looking at the garden starting to bloom, how does just even thinking of these things start to make you feel? Does your body start to unwind? I know that mine does.
Some years ago I watched Tony Robbins work with someone to help them change their attitude... he asked them to focus on what made them angry and resentful, he asked them to tell him about the situation, and as the person talked, Tony fed back all the angry responses, the person kept getting more and more angry... then - he asked them to stop and think of the first time that they had felt really loved and really happy in love and what was happening then... the person switched from their angry state to a state of peace and happiness. He then got them to think of that angry time again and kept switching the person from the angry memory to the happy memory... till the person started to laugh. Once we realise how we can talk ourselves into either emotional state, we can choose which emotion we wish to be in, by the thoughts we think and the self talk we use, and by what we keep talking about. It was an interesting exercise to watch, and it is an interesting exercise to practice.
We only have the present moment, the past is gone, the future not here yet. What if today, you decided to make kindness your reason for the season... what if today you made someone else's day? With a compliment, a kindness, a caring word, an offer of help, without requiring a reward? What if today you caught yourself mulling over the things that make you angry and sad, and switch to the things that you love, and enjoy? Just maybe, you may find stress leaving, a new way of thinking developing, and a bright new way of life emerging.
Four Life Lessons We All Need to Learn
As unique as we all are, an awful lot of us want the same things. We want to shake up our current less-than-fulfilling lives. We want to be happier, more loving, forgiving and connected with the people around us. So...we make decisions ("I'm going to hang out with happy people!"); we give ourselves lectures ("If you'd just stop feeling guilty, you'd able to do what you want); and we strive for markers of that accomplishment ("Just go to the completely intimidating party and meet one person!").
Brené Brown, PhD, LMSW, author of The Gifts of Imperfection and research professor at the University of Houston, has spent the last 12 years figuring out what keeps us from the living—despite our best efforts—the kind of wholehearted, fully involved existences that we're trying to lead. It turns out that a lot of the assumptions we hold so dear and we believe will turn around everything are...well...just plain wrong.
1. Fitting In Is Not Belonging
There are so many terms we use every day whose meanings are gauzy, if not downright imprecise—which makes it hard to get your head around what's really going on in your life. For example, contrary to what most of us think: Belonging is not fitting in. In fact, fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging. Fitting in, I've discovered during the past decade of research, is assessing situations and groups of people, then twisting yourself into a human pretzel in order to get them to let you hang out with them. Belonging is something else entirely—it's showing up and letting yourself be seen and known as you really are—love of gourd painting, intense fear of public speaking and all.
Many us suffer from this split between who we are and who we present to the world in order to be accepted, (Take it from me: I'm an expert fitter-inner!) But we're not letting ourselves be known, and this kind of incongruent living is soul-sucking.
In my research, I've interviewed a lot of people who never fit in, who are what you might call "different": scientists, artists, thinkers. And if you drop down deep into their work and who they are, there is a tremendous amount of self-acceptance. Some of them have to scrap for it, like the rest of us, but most are like this neurophysicist I met who, essentially, told me, "My parents didn't care that I wasn't on the football team, and my parents didn't care that I was awkward and geeky. I was in a group of kids at school who translated books into the Klingon language. And my parents were like, ‘Awesome!' They took me to the Star Trek convention!" He got his sense of belonging from his parents' sense of belonging, and even if we don't get that from Mom and Dad, we have to create it for ourselves as adults—or we will always feel as if we're standing outside of the big human party.
The truth is: Belonging starts with self-acceptance. Your level of belonging, in fact, can never be greater than your level of self-acceptance, because believing that you're enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic, vulnerable and imperfect. When we don't have that, we shape-shift and turn into chameleons; we hustle for the worthiness we already possess.
Read more: Oprah.com Life Lessons we all need to learn Brene Bown
Money - how's your relationship to it?
Money can be one of the areas that creates significant challenges for people and for their relationships. Have you noticed that money has become an issue in your relationship? Perhaps one of you is more comfortable spending, while the other is more focused on saving. Perhaps one person earns more, or one partner finds themselves juggling the bills and trying to keep the finances afloat.
Money can bring up strong feelings, particularly when two people have very different ideas about how it should be earned, saved or spent. Working together around money requires more than simply agreeing on a budget. It requires couples to understand what money means to each of them and to find ways of working towards shared goals.
It is also very easy for couples to fall into a parent/child dynamic around money. One person may take responsibility for managing everything, while the other becomes dependent or avoids taking responsibility. Over time, this can create resentment, frustration and a sense that the relationship is no longer an equal partnership.
You see, if money were simply money, perhaps we wouldn't have quite so many problems with it.
Money, Relationships and The Meaning We Give To It.
Money can also be a symbol. It can become connected with love, security, freedom, power, control, success or even self-worth. For some people, having money creates a feeling of safety. For others, spending money can bring pleasure, comfort or a temporary escape from difficult emotions.
This is one reason why arguments about money can sometimes seem much bigger than the amount of money actually involved.
To understand some of the issues we experience as adults, it can be helpful to look back at our family of origin. The attitudes and behaviours we observed growing up can influence the beliefs we develop about money.
What did money mean in your family when you were growing up?
Was money used to show love?
Was money used to control another person's behaviour?
Was money carefully saved, or was it spent freely?
Did money cause worry or conflict?
Was money something that was talked about openly, or was it rarely discussed?
Did you learn that having money meant being successful?
Did you see one parent taking responsibility for all the finances?
Was spending sometimes used to change emotions – what we might now call retail therapy?
These early experiences can become part of the beliefs we carry into our adult relationships, sometimes without us even realising it.
Now think about your own relationship with money.
Do you use spending to change how you feel?
Do you feel that you earn 'enough'?
And what would 'enough' actually look like for you?
Do you have a spending or savings plan?
Do you and your partner have shared financial goals?
Are you able to talk about money without becoming defensive, anxious or angry?
Do you feel that financial decisions are made as an equal partnership?
Do you give money to charity or use money to support other people, and what does that mean to you?
If money issues are a regular source of conflict, it may be worth looking beyond the actual dollars and asking what the money represents.
Is the argument really about spending? Or is it about feeling unheard?
Is it about saving? Or is it about needing to feel secure?
Is it about who earns the most? Or is it about power, independence or equality?
Sometimes, when we begin to understand the feelings and beliefs underneath our financial behaviours, we can start to see the pattern more clearly.
Learning to separate feelings from financial facts can be an important part of developing a healthier relationship with money. It can also help couples move away from blame and towards understanding and shared decision-making.
Creating a Healthier Relationship With Money
Money doesn't have to be a source of ongoing conflict. Couples can learn to talk about money differently, understand each other's beliefs and experiences, and work together towards financial goals that are meaningful to both of them.
If money has become a recurring source of conflict in your relationship, counselling can provide a space to explore not only the practical issues around money, but also the emotions, beliefs and relationship patterns that may sit underneath them.
Sometimes understanding why we respond to money in the way we do is the first step towards being able to make different choices.
Reacting in Anger
Improving your Relationship
What can you do when you want to improve your marriage or close relationship, but your significant other seems to be content with the way things are?
Marriage or other close relationships offer us unique opportunities to grow. Sometimes, though, conflict arises when partners in romantic relationships have different visions of what the relationship should be like and different ideas about the direction it should take.
If you think your close relationship could use some work but your partner doesn't, what do you do? Well, for starters, you don't start blaming them for disagreeing with you and don't assume that there is something wrong with you. What you can do, instead, is share your visions with each other. Can you describe, as specifically as possible, without blaming or judging, just how you see the problem?
Sometimes professional couples counseling can be a great help in opening faulty lines of communication. But whether you decide to get help or not, make sure you stay focused on a vision of how the relationship will look when it is fixed, and maintain a non-blaming, non-judgmental attitude throughout.
Remember that disagreement doesn't have to mean someone is wrong, and conflict can lead to greater harmony if it is handled properly.
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