You really shouldn't say "I love you" unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.
Author unknown, attributed to an 8-year-old named Jessica
i love you
You really shouldn't say "I love you" unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.
Author unknown, attributed to an 8-year-old named Jessica
All the Advice You Ever Gave
"All the advice you ever gave your partner is for you to hear." Byron Katie
“All the advice you ever gave your partner is for you to hear.” — Byron Katie
Have you ever found yourself telling your partner what they need to do differently?
“You need to communicate more.”
“You need to listen to me.”
“You need to stop being so defensive.”
“You need to let things go.”
Sometimes our advice is completely reasonable. We may genuinely see something that could help our relationship. But Byron Katie's words invite us to pause and ask a different question:
“Is there something in this advice that I might need to hear too?”
This isn't about blaming ourselves or suggesting that our partner's behaviour doesn't matter. Rather, it is an invitation to turn our attention back towards ourselves.
If I'm asking my partner to listen, am I listening?
If I'm asking them to speak gently, how am I speaking when I'm frustrated?
If I'm asking them to be more open about their feelings, am I willing to be vulnerable about my own?
If I'm asking them to take responsibility, is there something I could take responsibility for?
Relationships can easily become a place where we keep score of what the other person needs to change. We become very familiar with their shortcomings, while our own behaviour can become harder to see.
Turning the advice towards ourselves doesn't mean letting our partner off the hook. It means recognising that we each have our own part in the relationship dance.
Sometimes the most powerful question isn't, “How do I get my partner to change?” but rather, “What is this situation asking me to look at in myself?”
That small shift can create space for curiosity instead of criticism, responsibility instead of blame, and connection instead of disconnection.
Perhaps the next time you hear yourself giving your partner some advice, pause for a moment and ask:
“What if this is something I need to hear too?”
It might just be the beginning of a different conversation.
Kareen Fellows Counselling
Counselling for Individuals and Relationships
Drawing Mandalas
"When I began drawing the mandalas, I saw that everything, all paths I had been following all the steps I had taken were leading back to a single point - namely, to the midpoint. It became increasingly plain to me that the mandala is the centre. It is the exponent of all paths. It is the path to the centre, to individuation." Carl Jung
Creating and Interpreting Mandalas
Mandalas, Carl Jung, and the Practice of Art Therapy
The mandala—a circular, balanced design—appears across cultures as a symbol of wholeness and harmony. For Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Jung, the mandala was more than an art form; it represented the Self, the totality of our inner world. In art therapy, mandalas are a gentle tool for reflection, emotional regulation, and self-discovery.
Why Jung Valued Mandalas
Jung noticed that people often drew circles or symmetrical designs during times of stress or transition. He believed these images symbolized the psyche’s natural movement toward balance and integration. Creating or observing a mandala, he said, could stabilize the mind and help bridge the conscious and unconscious.
“For Jung, drawing a mandala was a ritual of centering—a conversation between the inner and outer world.”
Mandalas in Art Therapy
- Grounding and calming: The circular form naturally soothes and focuses attention.
- Externalizing the inner world: Mandalas give shape to emotions that are hard to express in words.
- Insight and integration: Colors and patterns can reflect aspects of the unconscious.
- Containment: The circle provides a safe boundary for exploring difficult feelings.
Try These Simple Mandala Exercises
1. Ten-Minute Grounding Mandala
- Draw or trace a circle on paper.
- Set a 10-minute timer and begin filling the circle from the center outward using lines, dots, or colors.
- When finished, breathe deeply and notice what emotions or images arose.
Prompt: “If this mandala could speak, what would it say?”
2. Emotion-Mapping Mandala
- Choose a feeling you want to explore—anxiety, grief, joy, or hope.
- Divide the circle into sections for different aspects of that emotion.
- Use color, texture, or symbols to fill each section.
- Afterward, reflect: What surprised you? What feels meaningful?
Prompt: “Point to a part of the mandala and say, ‘This part is…’”
3. Ritual Mandala for Transition
- Write what you are leaving behind on one side of the page, and what you are moving toward on the other.
- Create a mandala that holds both energies—perhaps two colors meeting in the center.
- When complete, reflect or say a simple sentence of closure or intention.
Prompt: “What does the center hold for you in this moment?”
For Therapists and Facilitators
- Focus on the process, not the product.
- Offer grounding before and after creative work.
- Use open questions (“What stands out to you?”) rather than interpretation.
Reflection Questions
- How did making the mandala affect your body and emotions?
- What colors or patterns appear often for you?
- What personal meaning might your mandala hold today?
Creating mandalas can be a way to slow down and listen. As Jung observed, forming a circle mirrors our inner movement toward balance and meaning. Whether used for calming, reflection, or exploring life transitions, mandalas are a gentle pathway into the Self.
I offer sessions on Mandala creation, and a 12 week course on The Great Round of Mandalas - the sessions are held online through Google Meet.
Mandala - Labyrinth
“In this post, we explore how creating mandalas through the Suzanne Fincher model can deepen your art therapy practice and support emotional healing…”
Creating Mandalas for Healing and Self-Discovery
“Each person’s life is like a mandala — a vast, limitless circle. We stand in the centre of our own circle and everything we see, hear, and think forms the mandala of our life.”
— Pema Chödrön
Mandalas — circular designs that symbolise wholeness — have been used across cultures for centuries as tools for meditation, healing, and self-reflection. In art therapy, creating mandalas can help express emotions, explore inner patterns, and bring calm to the mind.
Psychotherapist and art therapist Suzanne Fincher developed a beautiful framework for understanding the stages of personal growth through mandala creation. Her model, inspired by Jungian psychology, sees mandalas as mirrors of the psyche — each one reflecting a phase of our inner journey.
The Suzanne Fincher Model: The Great Round of Mandala
Fincher’s model, known as The Great Round of Mandala, describes twelve stages that represent different aspects of the human experience — from new beginnings to transformation and integration. These stages aren’t linear; rather, they spiral and repeat as we grow and change.
Here’s a glimpse of some key stages you might recognise in your own creative process:
- Stage One – The Void: A time of stillness or uncertainty. Your mandala might appear as open space, soft colours, or simple shapes. It reflects the fertile emptiness before something new begins.
- Stage Two – Bliss: A feeling of flow, joy, and connection. Mandalas here might include circular or spiralling patterns — representing energy and movement.
- Stage Four – Beginning: Emerging energy, direction, and new structure. Shapes like triangles or paths might appear as we move from potential into form.
- Stage Six – The Dragon Fight: This stage symbolises struggle, self-confrontation, or facing the shadow. Mandalas can be bold or chaotic, expressing inner conflict or transformation.
- Stage Nine – Crystallisation: A time of clarity and integration — the pieces begin to come together. Symmetry and balanced shapes often emerge naturally.
- Stage Twelve – Transcendent Ecstasy: Union, wholeness, peace. These mandalas often radiate harmony — representing connection with self and the greater whole.
Each stage offers a snapshot of where we are in our emotional and spiritual growth. By creating mandalas regularly, we can observe shifts in our inner world over time.
Creating Your Own Healing Mandala
You don’t need to be an artist to create a mandala — only a willingness to explore. Here’s how to begin:
- Set an intention: Take a moment to breathe and notice how you’re feeling. You might ask yourself, “What part of me needs attention today?”
- Draw your circle: A simple circle can be traced with a bowl or compass. This boundary becomes your sacred space for expression.
- Let your intuition lead: Choose colours, shapes, and patterns freely. Allow your hand to move without overthinking — the mandala will unfold naturally.
- Reflect: When finished, take time to observe. What feelings or thoughts arise? Which stage of Fincher’s model might your mandala represent today?
- Journal your insights: Write down reflections or messages that surfaced. Over time, your mandalas become a visual journal of your personal evolution.
Why Mandalas Heal
Creating within a circle brings a sense of safety and containment. It quiets the analytical mind and allows the deeper, intuitive self to speak. Whether you’re navigating change, seeking balance, or simply wanting to reconnect with yourself, mandala art therapy can be a gentle yet profound practice for creative healing and self-discovery.
Final Reflection
Every time you draw a mandala, you’re creating a visual map of your soul’s unfolding — a reminder that even in times of confusion, there is an underlying pattern of wholeness waiting to be revealed.
If you would like to have a session to explore mandalas, I offer online sessions wherever you are in Australia. I also offer a 12 week course covering the 12 mandalas of The Great Round.
Understanding Emotions: What Our Feelings Can Tell Us
Learn how thoughts, emotions and body sensations can interact, and discover simple ways to become more aware of difficult emotions and respond with greater choice and self-understanding.
Our emotions can provide valuable information about what is happening within us. They can be influenced by our thoughts and interpretations, our experiences, our relationships, our memories and what is happening in our body.
Sometimes an emotional reaction can appear very quickly, before we have even had time to consciously work out what we are thinking. We may notice a tightening in our chest, a change in our breathing, tension in our shoulders, a feeling in our stomach or an urge to react.
Learning to pause and become curious about our emotions can help us understand what may be happening beneath the surface.
Our Thoughts Can Influence Our EmotionsOur thoughts and interpretations can have a significant influence on the way we feel.
Imagine walking into a room and noticing two people whispering and looking in your direction. You might immediately feel uncomfortable or anxious if you interpret their behaviour as being about you.
Later, you discover that they were actually discussing something completely unrelated to you. The situation has not necessarily changed, but your understanding of the situation has — and your emotional response may change with it.
This doesn't mean that we can simply choose our emotions or tell ourselves to stop feeling something. Emotions are more complex than that. However, becoming aware of the thoughts and interpretations that accompany an emotion can sometimes give us more understanding and more choice about how we respond.
You can experiment with this yourself. Take a few moments with each of the following. After reading each one, close your eyes and notice what happens in your body.
- Think of something that makes you happy. What do you notice in your body?
- Think of somewhere you find peaceful or relaxing. What happens in your body?
- Now imagine being stuck in a long queue when you are in a hurry. What happens in your body?
You may notice changes in your breathing, heart rate, muscle tension, facial expression, stomach or overall sense of ease or agitation.
Now take a few slow breaths and allow yourself to let go of the exercise.
Think of somewhere in nature that you enjoy being. Perhaps it is a beach, a forest, a garden or another place where you feel peaceful. Imagine yourself there for a few moments and notice what happens in your body as you bring that image to mind.
The Same Situation Can Feel Very DifferentOur emotional response is not always determined by the situation itself. The meaning we give to a situation can influence how we experience it.
Imagine that you are waiting in a busy shop and there is only one person serving.
You might think, “This is frustrating. Why haven't they put more staff on? This is ridiculous.” As you continue thinking this way, you might notice irritation building in your body. Your muscles may become tense, your breathing may change and you may feel increasingly agitated.
Alternatively, you might think, “There is only one person serving. They can only serve one person at a time. I can't change the situation, so I'll take a breath and use this time to slow down.”
You may still feel impatient, but your overall response may be different.
This isn't about telling ourselves that difficult situations don't matter or that we should always remain calm. It is about noticing that our thoughts and interpretations can become part of our emotional experience.
It can be tempting to think of emotions as either “good” or “bad”. We may welcome happiness, excitement and contentment while wanting to get rid of anger, sadness, fear, jealousy, disappointment or anxiety.
However, uncomfortable emotions can also carry information.
Anger may alert us to something that feels unfair or to a boundary that has been crossed. Sadness may reflect loss or disappointment. Fear may alert us to something that feels threatening or uncertain. Anxiety may tell us that we are anticipating something we find difficult to manage.
An emotion does not necessarily tell us exactly what is true, nor does feeling something mean that we have to act on it. Instead, an emotion can be an invitation to pause and become curious.
You might ask yourself:
- What am I feeling?
- Where do I notice this feeling in my body?
- What was happening just before I felt this way?
- What was I thinking at the time?
- What meaning was I giving to the situation?
- What might this emotion be telling me?
- Is there a need, concern or boundary underneath the emotion?
- How would I like to respond?
When an emotion is strong, we can sometimes move very quickly from feeling to reacting.
Someone says something that upsets us and we immediately respond. We feel criticised and become defensive. We feel rejected and withdraw. We feel angry and say something we later regret.
Creating a small pause does not mean ignoring the emotion. It gives us an opportunity to notice what is happening before deciding what to do next.
You might try:
- Pause.
- Take a slow breath.
- Notice what you are feeling.
- Notice what is happening in your body.
- Notice the thoughts running through your mind.
- Ask yourself what you need right now.
- Choose how you would like to respond.
Sometimes that pause may only last a few seconds. Even a small amount of space can help us respond rather than simply react.
One approach to exploring difficult thoughts and emotions is The Work, developed by Byron Katie. The Work involves identifying a stressful thought and investigating it through four questions and a process known as the “turnarounds”.
The four questions are:
- Is it true?
- Can I absolutely know that it is true?
- How do I react, what happens, when I believe that thought?
- Who would I be without the thought?
The purpose is to slow down and investigate a stressful thought rather than automatically accepting it as true.
For example, you might notice the thought, “They don't respect me.” Rather than immediately treating the thought as a fact, you can become curious about it.
What happens in your body when you believe the thought?
What emotions arise?
What do you do when you believe it?
How might the experience be different if, for a moment, you were able to put the thought down and simply observe what was happening?
The Work also includes examining different ways of looking at the original thought through what Byron Katie calls “turnarounds”.
This process is not about telling yourself that your feelings are wrong or that difficult experiences don't matter. It is an invitation to investigate the thoughts and assumptions that may be contributing to your distress.
Emotional awareness is not about getting rid of difficult feelings. It is about developing a better understanding of ourselves.
Instead of asking, “How do I stop feeling this?”, you might sometimes ask:
- “What is happening for me right now?”
- “What am I telling myself about this situation?”
- “What am I noticing in my body?”
- “What is this emotion trying to draw my attention to?”
- “What do I need?”
- “What response would be helpful here?”
With practice, we can become more familiar with our emotional patterns. We may begin to recognise the situations, thoughts and relationship experiences that tend to trigger strong reactions.
Sometimes simply noticing an emotion without immediately judging it can create a little more space.
We all experience emotions. Some are comfortable and welcome, while others can feel overwhelming, confusing or difficult to understand.
Rather than seeing emotions as something that needs to be fixed, we can learn to approach them with curiosity and compassion.
An emotion is an experience. A thought is a thought. Neither necessarily requires an immediate reaction.
When we learn to notice our thoughts, emotions and bodily responses, we can begin to develop greater self-awareness and more choice in how we respond to ourselves and to the people around us.
For more information about Byron Katie's approach, you can visit The Work of Byron Katie, which provides information about The Work, the four questions and related worksheets.
If you would like some support exploring your emotions, relationships or the challenges you are experiencing, counselling can provide a safe and supportive space to slow down, gain perspective and develop a deeper understanding of yourself.
Self respect
Self-Respect
What does self-respect mean?
Self-respect is the quiet sense that you matter — and that your needs, feelings, values and boundaries are worthy of consideration.
It isn't the same as thinking you are better than other people. It is about being able to value yourself without needing to diminish anyone else.
Sometimes self-respect is found in the way we treat ourselves when nobody else is watching. It can be choosing not to say something hurtful, keeping a promise we made to ourselves, acknowledging when something doesn't feel right, or having the courage to say no when we need to.
Self-respect and boundaries
Healthy boundaries are often an expression of self-respect. They allow us to recognise what is acceptable to us and what isn't, while still respecting the other person.
This can be difficult if we have learned to put everyone else's needs before our own. We may worry that saying no is selfish, that expressing our needs will upset someone, or that we have to keep the peace at our own expense.
But self-respect doesn't require us to be hard or uncaring. We can be kind and still have boundaries. We can care about someone and still disagree with them. We can love someone and still decide that certain behaviour isn't acceptable to us.
Small acts of self-respect
Self-respect is often built through small, everyday choices rather than one big decision.
It might mean listening to your own feelings rather than immediately dismissing them. It might mean speaking honestly, asking for what you need, taking responsibility when you have made a mistake, or walking away from situations that repeatedly undermine your dignity.
Over time, these small choices can change the way we see ourselves. We begin to trust that we will listen to ourselves, protect what matters to us and act in ways that are consistent with our values.
Perhaps this is what the quote above is pointing towards: self-respect isn't something we can convince ourselves to have. It grows from the way we live.
Self-Respect and Self-Love
Self-respect and self-love are closely connected, but they are not quite the same thing. Self-love is about caring for yourself, accepting yourself and developing a kind and compassionate relationship with yourself. Self-respect is about recognising your own worth and treating yourself accordingly.
You don't have to love everything about yourself to have self-respect. You may feel uncertain, disappointed in yourself, or even struggle with your self-esteem, and still choose not to betray your values, accept poor treatment or abandon your own needs simply to please someone else.
In this way, self-respect can sometimes come before self-love. Each time you listen to yourself, honour your boundaries, keep a promise to yourself or choose what is healthy rather than what is familiar, you are building a different relationship with yourself. Over time, those choices can become a quiet form of self-love.
If you would like some support exploring your emotions, relationships or the challenges you are experiencing, counselling can provide a safe and supportive space to slow down, gain perspective and develop a deeper understanding of yourself.
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