Emotions matter. What we do with our emotions is especially important. When perceived accurately and regulated effectively, emotions help us to focus on important tasks, make effective decisions, enjoy healthy relationships, and manage life's ups and downs.
Part 1 of a workshop by Marc Brackett, co-creator of the RULER Approach to Social Emotional Learning
Click on image to enlarge.
There is a story about two young twin brothers who walked into a barn with their grandfather. One boy complained about the foul-smelling manure and ran out of the barn while complaining about getting manure on his shoes. The other boy raced through the barn with excitement and yelled to his grandfather, "With all this manure, there must be a pony somewhere!" The first boy saw himself as a Victim of the manure and its smell. The second boy saw the manure and linked it to greater possibilities. Which boy do you identify with?
Do you complain about life's bumps, or do you see challenging issues as an opportunity to innovate and create new possibilities? Tough times can magnify your view of situations. If you see difficult issues through the eyes of a Victim you might say: "The budget has been slashed so there's no way we can accomplish our goals" or "I'm at the mercy of my bad boss" or "voters won't approve of that idea."
Victim mentality sucks the life out of innovative energy. People with Victim-like thinking can be addicted to the drama and complaining rather than seeing the possibility of innovation and new approaches.
The Creator/innovator, on the other hand, clarifies what they want and goes after that outcome step by step. Not brought down by the situation, they ask themselves, "What do I want to focus on despite this challenge in front of me?" The fundamental difference between the Victim mindset and the Creator/innovator mindset is the quality of attention. When in the Victim orientation, the focus is on what you don't want.
With a Creator mindset, the focus is on what you do want, rather than focusing on setbacks or obstacles. Often it is two steps forward and a step back. But with each step the Creator trusts they are getting closer to and clearer about what they want. It is no secret that now, more than ever, people feel victimized by circumstances such as toxic politics, not having enough time or money, their poor work environment, an illness or their bad childhood. Despite these challenges, the Creator/innovator mindset sees failure as an opportunity to grow, and trusts in the cycle of breakdown to breakthrough.
Staying in the Creator/innovator mindset is not always easy----it goes against our human tendency to see problems first. It takes commitment and desire to remember that your true essence is as a Creator/innovator. People who forget their true essence as a Creator are at risk of taking-on Victim thinking. That's how thinking like a Victim stops innovation!
The only thing Victim thinking creates is more misery for their co-workers, family members and themselves. Because Victim thinking can be very subtle and unconscious, we encourage you to notice your Victim thoughts and feelings when they arise. When they do, learn to shift your perspective by asking: "What's the outcome I want here?" and "What conditions can I create that foster a Creator/innovator mindset?"
Now the conversation has an opportunity to shift from complaints and problems to a more inspiring destination. When you begin to do this, others will ask you to join their conversation and share your knack for turning problems into opportunities. This is a powerful shift, but no one can do it for you. The fact is, only you can notice the lens in which you relate to the world. It's your choice. Do you see a barn full of manure or look for the pony?
This article is by By David Emerald & Donna Zajonc, MCC website: www.powerofted.com
Learn more about The Drama Triangle - click here
Trust: The Foundation of a Secure Relationship
Trust is one of the most important foundations of a healthy relationship. It allows us to feel safe enough to be ourselves, to share our feelings, to express our needs and to rely on our partner when life becomes difficult.
Trust isn't built in a single moment. It develops over time through the small, everyday ways we show up for each other. It is found in the promises we keep, the attention we give, the kindness we offer and the willingness to listen when our partner is struggling.
Trust in Gottman's Work
Dr John Gottman describes trust as something that develops through our everyday interactions. In his work, he emphasises the importance of turning towards our partner rather than away from them.
When our partner shares something with us, asks a question, seeks our attention or reaches out for connection, we have an opportunity to respond. These moments may seem insignificant, but over time they help create a sense of being valued and cared for.
Trust grows when we can depend on our partner to consider our feelings, act with integrity and take our needs into account. It also involves being willing to acknowledge mistakes and make repairs when we hurt each other.
Trust and Emotional Safety in EFT
Dr Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), explores trust through the lens of emotional connection and attachment. Beneath many relationship conflicts lie some deeply human questions:
Are you there for me? Can I count on you? Do I matter to you? Will you respond when I need you?
These questions reflect our need for emotional security. We all need to feel that the person we love is accessible, responsive and emotionally engaged with us.
When we feel secure in our relationship, we are generally better able to express vulnerability, work through disagreements and reach for each other after a difficult moment. When that security feels threatened, we may respond with anger, criticism, withdrawal or a need for reassurance. Beneath these reactions, there may be a fear of rejection, disconnection or not being important to our partner.
Understanding what lies beneath our reactions can help us move away from blaming each other and towards understanding the needs and feelings that are asking to be heard.
How Do We Build Trust?
Trust develops when our words and actions begin to match. It involves more than being faithful or keeping our promises; it also means being emotionally dependable.
We can nurture trust by:
• Listening with curiosity rather than immediately defending ourselves.
• Responding to our partner's attempts to connect.
• Being honest, reliable and considerate.
• Taking responsibility when our actions cause hurt.
• Showing an interest in our partner's feelings and experiences.
• Learning how to repair misunderstandings and reconnect after conflict.
• Making room for vulnerability without dismissing or criticising it.
None of us gets this right all the time. Healthy relationships aren't free from misunderstandings or hurt. What matters is our willingness to recognise what has happened, understand its impact and work towards repairing the connection.
When Trust Has Been Damaged
Trust can be shaken by betrayal, dishonesty, repeated disappointments or the experience of feeling emotionally alone in a relationship. When this happens, reassurance alone may not be enough.
Rebuilding trust takes time, honesty, consistency and a genuine willingness to understand the hurt that has occurred. The partner who has been hurt needs space to express their feelings, while the partner who caused the hurt needs to demonstrate change through their actions.
Trust cannot be demanded or hurried. It needs to be experienced repeatedly before a sense of safety can begin to return. Both partners need to be willing to participate in this process, although responsibility for repairing a particular breach of trust rests with the person who caused it.
A Question to Reflect On
What helps you feel safe, valued and secure in your relationship? And what might your partner need from you to experience that same sense of security?
Trust grows through the everyday practice of showing up for each other. It isn't about being perfect; it is about being willing to listen, to understand, to take responsibility and to keep turning towards one another.
Healthy relationships are built one moment of connection at a time.
If you would like some support exploring your emotions, relationships or the challenges you are experiencing, counselling can provide a safe and supportive space to slow down, gain perspective and develop a deeper understanding of yourself.
Fight, Flight or Freeze: Understanding Your Stress Response
Have you ever found yourself reacting strongly to a situation before you've had time to think about it?
You might become angry or defensive, feel an overwhelming urge to get away, or suddenly find yourself unable to think clearly or respond at all.
These reactions can be part of your body's natural fight, flight or freeze response — an automatic survival response that helps us deal with situations we perceive as threatening or stressful.
Fight
The fight response prepares you to confront what feels threatening.
You might become angry, argumentative, defensive or controlling. Your heart rate may increase, your muscles may tense and you may feel ready to protect yourself or someone else.
Sometimes this response can show up in relationships as criticism, blaming, raised voices or becoming easily irritated.
Flight
The flight response prepares you to escape from a perceived threat.
You might feel restless, anxious or desperate to get away. You may avoid difficult conversations, keep yourself busy, leave the room or distract yourself from uncomfortable feelings.
In relationships, flight can sometimes look like withdrawing from a conversation because it feels too overwhelming.
Freeze
The freeze response can happen when your nervous system feels overwhelmed and doesn't know whether to fight or escape.
You might go quiet, feel numb or disconnected, struggle to find words, or feel as though your mind has suddenly gone blank.
Freezing isn't a sign of weakness. It is another automatic protective response.
Dr Daniel Siegel presenting a Hand Model of the Brain
Why Understanding This Can Help
When we understand our stress responses, we can begin to notice what is happening before reacting automatically.
You might ask yourself:
What am I feeling right now?
What is happening in my body?
Do I want to fight, get away, or shut down?
What might I need in this moment to feel safer and more settled?
Sometimes simply recognising "I'm in a stress response right now" can create a little space between the feeling and the reaction.
With practice, breathing slowly, grounding yourself, taking a short pause, or stepping away from a heated situation can help your nervous system settle before you respond.
The Teenage Brain
From Automatic Reaction to Choice
Our fight, flight and freeze responses are not something we need to get rid of. They are part of the body's protective system.
The goal is to become more aware of them, understand what may be triggering them, and develop ways of returning to a calmer state so that we have more choice in how we respond.
Mindfulness and Neural Integration: Daniel Siegel - how we can combine with technology and self regulation.
Breaking a Habit: A Simple Mindfulness Approach
We all have habits. Some are helpful and supportive, while others may be things we would like to change.
Perhaps you find yourself reaching for your phone whenever you have a spare moment, eating when you're stressed rather than hungry, putting off something you'd like to do, checking your messages repeatedly, or falling into the same patterns when you're feeling tired, anxious or overwhelmed.
Sometimes we know a habit isn't particularly helpful, yet we continue to do it.
So why can it be so difficult to change a habit?
One interesting approach comes from psychiatrist and neuroscientistDr Judson Brewer, whose work explores the relationship between mindfulness, habits and addictive behaviours.
In his popular TED Talk, A Simple Way to Break a Bad Habit, Brewer suggests that one way of changing a habit is not through greater willpower, but through becoming more curious about what is actually happening when the urge arises.
The habit loop
Many habits can be understood as a simple cycle:
Trigger → Behaviour → Reward
A trigger is something that sets the habit in motion. It might be a particular situation, thought, feeling or time of day.
The behaviour is what we do in response.
The reward is what we experience afterwards. Often it is some form of relief, comfort, pleasure, distraction or temporary escape.
For example:
Stress or tiredness → reach for something sweet → a moment of comfort or pleasure.
Or:
Feeling bored → check the phone → a little stimulation or connection.
Or perhaps:
Feeling anxious → worry, avoid or distract yourself → temporary relief.
Once a pattern has been repeated many times, it can begin to feel almost automatic.
What if you became curious instead?
When we want to change a habit, our first response is often to try to control it.
"I must stop doing this."
"I shouldn't be doing this."
"I need more willpower."
Sometimes this works for a while. But when we are tired, stressed or emotionally overwhelmed, our old patterns can quickly return.
Brewer suggests another possibility: rather than immediately trying to push the urge away, pause and become curious about it.
What is actually happening in this moment?
Where do you notice the urge in your body?
What thoughts are going through your mind?
What are you hoping the behaviour will give you?
And what do you actually experience afterwards?
This is where mindfulness can be helpful. Instead of automatically moving from trigger to behaviour, we create a small space in which we can notice what is happening.
Try this simple exercise
The next time you notice an urge to do something that you are trying to change, see if you can pause before automatically responding.
1. Notice the trigger
What was happening just before the urge appeared?
Were you bored, tired, lonely, stressed, frustrated or worried?
2. Notice the urge
Rather than immediately acting on it, take a moment to notice the physical sensations.
Is there tightness in your chest? Restlessness? A feeling in your stomach? Tension in your shoulders? Perhaps an increased sense of energy or anticipation?
You don't need to make the feeling go away. Simply notice it.
3. Become curious
Ask yourself:
What am I experiencing right now?
What am I hoping this behaviour will do for me?
What happens if I stay with this feeling for a little while?
4. Notice what happens next
You may discover that the urge changes. It may become stronger, weaker or simply feel different.
You may also discover something about what is underneath the habit.
Perhaps you were looking for comfort.
Perhaps you needed a break.
Perhaps you were avoiding an uncomfortable feeling.
Perhaps you were simply following a familiar pattern.
You don't have to get it right
Changing a habit isn't usually a matter of succeeding perfectly from the beginning.
You might notice the urge and still follow the old pattern. That's okay.
The important part is the noticing.
Each time we become aware of what is happening, rather than moving completely automatically, we have an opportunity to learn something about ourselves and our patterns.
Mindfulness isn't about judging ourselves for having an urge. It is about becoming more aware of our experience and giving ourselves a little more choice in how we respond.
A small pause can create more choice
Sometimes the most useful change isn't immediately stopping the behaviour.
It may simply be noticing the moment before it happens.
Trigger → pause → notice → choose
That pause can be very small.
A breath.
A moment of noticing.
A little curiosity.
Over time, becoming more familiar with our triggers, urges and patterns can help us respond with greater awareness rather than automatically repeating an old habit.
A few questions to reflect on
If there is a habit you'd like to understand or change, you might like to gently explore:
• What tends to trigger this habit?
• What am I feeling immediately beforehand?
• What does the behaviour give me in the short term?
• What do I experience afterwards?
• What might I actually be needing in that moment?
• Is there another way I could respond to that need?
You don't have to answer all of these questions at once. Sometimes simply becoming curious about a familiar pattern can be a useful beginning.
When a habit feels difficult to change
Some habits are relatively simple to change, while others can be closely connected with stress, anxiety, emotional wellbeing, relationships or addiction.
If a behaviour is causing significant distress or feels difficult to change on your own, talking with a counsellor may provide a safe space to explore what is happening underneath the pattern and what might help.
Counselling can be an opportunity to slow things down, understand your patterns with greater compassion, and explore different ways of responding.
Sometimes change begins not with trying harder, but with becoming more aware.
If you'd like to explore this further, please contact me on 0408 792 747 to find out more about counselling sessions.
The ideas discussed here are provided for general information and are not intended to replace professional medical or psychological advice. If you are concerned about an addictive behaviour or another habit that is causing significant harm or distress, appropriate professional support may be helpful.
For nearly 20 years, Dr. James W. Pennebaker has been giving people an assignment: write down your deepest feelings about an emotional upheaval in your life for 15 or 20 minutes a day for four consecutive days. Many of those who followed his simple instructions have found their immune systems strengthened. Others have seen their grades improved. Sometimes entire lives have changed. Dr. James Pennebaker
Pennebaker, a professor in the Department of Psychology at The University of Texas at Austin and author of several books, including “Opening Up” and “Writing to Heal,” is a pioneer in the study of using expressive writing as a route to healing. His research has shown that short-term focused writing can have a beneficial effect on everyone from those dealing with a terminal illness to victims of violent crime to college students facing first-year transitions.
“When people are given the opportunity to write about emotional upheavals, they often experience improved health,” Pennebaker says. “They go to the doctor less. They have changes in immune function. If they are first-year college students, their grades tend to go up. People will tell us months afterward that it’s been a very beneficial experience for them.”
In his early research Pennebaker was interested in how people who have powerful secrets are more prone to a variety of health problems. If you could find a way for people to share those secrets, would their health problems improve?
It turned out that often they would, and that it wasn’t even necessary for people to tell their secrets to someone else. The act of simply writing about those secrets, even if they destroyed the writing immediately afterward, had a positive effect on health. Further studies showed that the benefits weren’t just for those who had dramatic secrets, but could also accrue to those who were dealing with divorces, job rejections or even a difficult commute to work.
“Emotional upheavals touch every part of our lives,” Pennebaker explains. “You don’t just lose a job, you don’t just get divorced. These things affect all aspects of who we are—our financial situation, our relationships with others, our views of ourselves, our issues of life and death. Writing helps us focus and organize the experience.”
Our minds are designed to try to understand things that happen to us. When a traumatic event occurs or we undergo a major life transition, our minds have to work overtime to try to process the experience. Thoughts about the event may keep us awake at night, distract us at work and even make us less connected with other people.
When we translate an experience into language we essentially make the experience graspable. Individuals may see improvements in what is called “working memory,” essentially our ability to think about more than one thing at a time. They may also find they’re better able to sleep. Their social connections may improve, partly because they have a greater ability to focus on someone besides themselves.
To Read the rest of the article visit: University of Texas at Austin
Dr Pennebaker Writing To Heal
In this video, Dr. Friedman explores the link between creative endeavors, such as expressive writing, and reduced symptoms and improved health.