Grief, Anniversaries and Christmas

My darling mum passed away just before Christmas in 2017. Christmas was her time of year, she adored it, she made it so special for everyone. After her passing, I was busy getting everything done for her estate. Organising the final goodbyes with a funeral and all that goes with it. Life was busy with people visiting, and while it was sad to have lost her, grief didn't really set in then.

At first after a loss, shock sets in, and that shock helps cushion us from the deep feelings that are associated with grief. However, at some point those deep feelings will emerge. For some it comes straight away for others the feelings surface later on. There are no hard and fast rules for grief.

For me, just over half way through the following year, grief set in. I'm normally on the listening side of the counselling process. However, what I found in looking for someone to talk to myself, is that it is actually really really difficult, to find someone who is comfortable with simply listening to deep grief, and to be able to sit with lots of tears.

Grief can be so overwhelming, and hard for ourselves and others to understand. It's a time when we really need other people to surround us and help us navigate the new world we've found ourselves in.

I had been feeling confused as to why the following year, more than the previous one, that lots of tears were flowing. And in my search for help with grief, I came across a rather wonderful talk - The Empty Chair at The Christmas Table - Petrea King talking to Mia Freedman on her podcast No Filter.

In the talk, I heard Petrea mention how sometimes it can be the second year after a loss, that you may be feeling the loss more deeply than the first year. That was so reassuring for me to hear. You can find the podcast here →

The Empty Chair at The Christmas Table - Petrea King

Christmas is often referred to as the most wonderful time of the year. It’s a day that's meant to be filled with joy and love. But what if you're not feeling joyful because you're missing a loved one or you're dealing with the end of a significant relationship? How do you face the empty chair at the Christmas table? Or at any other time?

Petrea King and Mia Freedman

Petrea King is one of the most respected grief counselors in the country. She’s counseled over 120,000 people living with cancer and other life-challenging illnesses as well as people dealing with grief, loss, trauma, and tragedy through her foundation, Quest For Life.

She knows what’s it’s like to be facing Christmas with a death, diagnosis or divorce looming after she lost her brother to suicide, and received her own diagnosis of a rare form of leukemia.

So what's her advice on how to navigate Christmas when you're not feeling joyful?

Listen to the talk here →

If you are going through grief, or know someone else who is, you may find this talk helpful. Grief is the feeling we have in response to loss. It happens not just when someone dies, it also happens, through divorce, separation, financial loss, health issues, and when you lose a pet. I hope this talk gives you some comfort as well.

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It really can help to have someone simply listen to your grief. Grief isn't something that can be fixed, and I don't think we ever truly “get over” losing someone we love. Over time, though, the intensity can ease, and we gradually learn to carry the grief and live with it in a different way.

Get In Touch →

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BUT... I would BUT... I'd like to BUT... I love you BUT...

The Trouble With “But”

No not that kind of butt.

One of the things I see quite often with couples is that they can start to learn to listen to each other remarkably well — and then undo much of the good work with one little word: “But…”

Active listening asks us to slow down and really hear what our partner is saying. We try to understand their point of view, reflect it back, and let them know that we have heard them.

And sometimes it goes beautifully:

“I can understand why you felt hurt when I didn't come home when I said I would.”

So far, so good.

Then comes:

“But you know how busy I've been…”

And suddenly the conversation has changed direction.

The first part of the sentence acknowledged your partner's experience. The but introduces your defence, explanation or counter-argument. Your partner may then hear the message as: “Yes, I heard you — but here's why your feelings don't really count.”

This is often not what was intended. Most people aren't deliberately trying to dismiss their partner. They are simply eager to explain themselves, correct something they believe is unfair, or make sure their own side of the story is heard too.

But timing matters.

Try “and” instead of “but”

One small change can make a surprising difference.

Instead of:

“I understand why you were upset, but I was exhausted.”

Try:

“I understand why you were upset, and I was exhausted too.”

Or:

“I can see why that hurt you, and I'd like to tell you what was happening for me as well.”

The second version doesn't require you to agree with everything your partner has said. It simply allows their experience and your experience to exist at the same time.

This is particularly important in couples counselling. There may be two very different perspectives in the room, and both people may have something important to say. The goal isn't to decide whose version is correct. It is to become curious enough to understand what is happening for each person.

Listen first. Explain later.

When you're practising active listening, try resisting the urge to defend yourself immediately.

First, make sure your partner feels heard.

Then, when they have finished, you can share your own perspective.

There is a big difference between:

“I hear what you're saying, but…”

and:

“I hear what you're saying, and I'd like to tell you how it was for me.”

The second doesn't erase the first person's experience. It makes room for another one.

And that is often what couples need most — not agreement, but the ability to hold two different experiences in the same conversation.

So the next time you hear yourself saying “Yes, but…”, pause for a moment.

Ask yourself:

“Can I leave their experience standing, and add mine beside it rather than arguing it away?”

Sometimes changing one little word can change the whole direction of a conversation.

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If you would like some support exploring your emotions, relationships or the challenges you are experiencing, counselling can provide a safe and supportive space to slow down, gain perspective and develop a deeper understanding of yourself.

Get In Touch →

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Complaints

Whenever you find yourself making a complaint to another person, stop and ask yourself, “What is the request behind my complaint?”

What is it that you would really like to be different about the situation?

After yoga one morning – incidentally, our yoga room overlooks the beautiful view above – we were having our morning tea and chatting, and our teacher told us about a book she had been reading called A Complaint Free World.

I think we must have all been moaning a lot about the heat, and whatever else was bothering us that day. Anyway... she explained about the book and how there is a 21-day challenge to go complaint-free.

This instigated a round-table discussion about how many things we regularly complain about without even really noticing it. The weather, politics, other people, things that aren't working, things that should have been done differently... the list can be surprisingly long!

And perhaps there is a reason complaining comes so easily to us.

Our brains are naturally inclined to notice what is wrong, what is different, what might be a problem and what needs our attention. From an evolutionary perspective, this makes sense. Our ancestors needed to be alert to danger. Noticing the rustle in the bushes that might have been a predator was much more important for survival than noticing that the flowers were looking particularly beautiful that morning.

We still have this tendency today. Our brains are constantly scanning, evaluating and comparing. Is this good or bad? Is this safe or dangerous? Is this better or worse? Is this fair or unfair? What's wrong here?

This is sometimes referred to as our negativity bias – our tendency to give more attention and weight to negative experiences than to positive ones.

There is nothing inherently wrong with this. Being able to notice problems helps us solve them and protect ourselves. The difficulty is that our brains can become very practised at looking for what is wrong. When we are stressed, tired or frustrated, this tendency can become even stronger.

Before we know it, we can find ourselves complaining without really considering what we are trying to achieve through the complaint.

So what if we changed our mindset around complaining?

What if, instead of simply trying to stop complaining, we became curious about what lies underneath it?

John Gottman, one of the most influential researchers in the field of relationships, has often highlighted the importance of looking beneath complaints and criticisms to discover the underlying need or longing.

Because underneath many complaints there is something we deeply want.

“You never listen to me” may really mean, “I want to feel heard.”

“You're always working” may really mean, “I miss you. I want more time with you.”

“You don't appreciate anything I do” may really mean, “I want to feel valued.”

The complaint is often about what is happening on the surface. The longing is about what matters underneath.

So the next time you hear yourself complaining, try pausing for a moment and asking yourself:

What am I really wanting here?

What am I longing for?

What would I like to be different?

Then see if you can turn the complaint into a positive request.

Instead of saying, “You never help around here,” perhaps the request is, “I'd really appreciate it if you could help me with the dishes tonight.”

Instead of, “You're always on your phone,” perhaps it is, “I'd love to have some uninterrupted time with you this evening.”

This doesn't mean that we should never complain. Sometimes we genuinely need to express frustration, disappointment or hurt. The important question is whether our complaint helps us move towards what we need, or whether it simply keeps us focused on what is wrong.

And what if we changed our reactions to other people's complaints too?

What if, instead of immediately judging the person who is complaining, we brought some curiosity to the conversation?

Don't get me wrong, I haven't been able to do this all the time either. I didn't make it to the 21 days! But I did become more aware of just how easily we can fall into complaining – and how quickly our brains can focus on what is wrong.

When we can bring an attitude of curiosity to another person, we can sometimes make real headway in our relationships. Rather than thinking, “Here they go again,” we might wonder, “What is really going on for them? What are they needing right now?”

Sometimes just allowing another person to have their voice heard can bring about a positive change.

And by listening beneath the complaint, we may discover the longing that the complaint has been masking.

Sometimes the complaint isn't really about the dishes, the phone, the lateness, the work or the weather.

Sometimes underneath the complaint is a much more vulnerable longing:

“Hear me.”
“Notice me.”
“Appreciate me.”
“Spend some time with me.”
“Help me.”
“Let me know that I matter.”

Perhaps the next time you find yourself complaining, rather than judging yourself for it, become curious.

What is the longing underneath my complaint?

And perhaps the next time someone complains to you, listen for the longing underneath theirs.

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If you would like some support exploring your emotions, relationships or the challenges you are experiencing, counselling can provide a safe and supportive space to slow down, gain perspective and develop a deeper understanding of yourself.

Get In Touch →

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One Minute Mindfulness

Student-led mindfulness practice from Denise Nobile on Vimeo.

A mindfulness process run by sixth graders at Somers Middle School, children taught by Denise Nobile’s practice every day. I invite you to join in, with them, no matter what your age.

A cup of mindfulness

Then, if you'd like to continue with a mindfulness practice, you can start with just one minute, each day, by simply stopping, bringing your focus to the present moment, and taking a few breaths. You don't need a bell as a reminder. You can use anything that is in your present moment. Bring your full attention to what is in front of you. Next time you're at a cafe, stop and notice your coffee cup. Stop and really look, did the barista create a pattern? Notice the cup and the colour, the smell. And then take a few breaths before drinking. Then continue with your day.

New Year, New Start

They say that the only thing that is constant in our lives is change. We are all being asked to grow and change each day, but we probably aren't aware of it. Babies grow into toddlers, toddlers change so quickly, before you know it the teenager years are there and then young adulthood arrives. Middle age and old age come along, and really we don't really notice the changes each day, but if we look back and go through photos, it can be amazing to see the transitions.

Everyday our bodies are changing, in subtle ways. And what of our inner worlds? Have you ever taken the time to consider what changes you have made on the inside, over the years? Are your thoughts and attitudes still the same ones that you had as a young person? Chances are many things have changed on the inside as well.

As we start the New Year, it can be a time to think about where you'd like to head and also if there are any changes you'd like to make in your life.

If you'd like to try this exercise, take out your journal and copy or print out the wheel above.

On the scale of 1-10 mark out how satisfied you are with each area of your life. If all is going fabulous, couldn't be better - give it a 10. Things are OK, but I'd like to improve in an area, perhaps a 7. I am sure you get the idea.

Now each day, put a little focus into each of the areas that are important to you. If a relationship is important, but you haven't been connecting lately, what is one small step you could do to make a difference. If exercise is another area that you'd like to see improvement, what is one small action you could take each day, to include more exercise?

If you would like to have a session on this topic, to clarify where you would like to head, and create more of what you want, call to book a session today.

Happy New Year, may you create some great connections and wonder in your life. Contact Kareen: click here.

How To Have a Better Conversation

"When your job hinges on how well you talk to people, you learn a lot about how to have conversations — and that most of us don't converse very well. Celeste Headlee has worked as a radio host for decades, and she knows the ingredients of a great conversation: Honesty, brevity, clarity and a healthy amount of listening. In this insightful talk, she shares 10 useful rules for having better conversations."

In the video above, Celeste talks about texting, and how we think we are connecting. These days it seems to have become the norm to send texts and emails rather than to call someone. In your life, how many texts or emails do you send? Do you prefer texting or emailing to face to face conversations? Sadly many relationships are suffering because we are no longer truly connecting with other important people in our lives.

Who could you call today for a conversation?

Forget big change, start with a tiny habit

What if someone told you to floss only one tooth everyday? Or start the new year, not with grand resolutions, but with a simple challenge.. like ONE pushup a day? BJ Fogg shows us that the key to lasting change does not lie in planning big, monumental changes, but in thinking really, really small.