Four Ways We Can Unintentionally Make Conflict Worse
All relationships have conflict. It is a very normal part of being in a relationship. Two people are never going to agree about everything, and even very loving couples can become frustrated, hurt, disappointed or angry with one another.
What matters is not whether you have conflict, but how you deal with it.
The Gottman Institute spent many years studying couples and observing the patterns that were associated with relationships thriving or struggling. Their research identified four particular behaviours that can be especially damaging to a relationship. They became known as The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse — a rather dramatic name for four very common ways of communicating!
The good news is that these behaviours are not inevitable. Once you can recognise them, you can start noticing when they appear in your own conversations and practise doing something different.
Here are the four behaviours to watch for:
1. Criticism
Criticism is more than saying that you are unhappy about something. It is when a complaint about a particular behaviour becomes an attack on the other person's character.
There is a big difference between:
“I was really disappointed that you didn't call to let me know you were going to be late.”
and:
“You never think about anyone but yourself. You're so inconsiderate.”
The first is a complaint about something that happened. The second makes a judgement about who the person is.
When criticism becomes a regular part of a relationship, the other person can begin to feel that they are constantly being judged or that they cannot do anything right.
Try this instead: Talk about the specific behaviour and how it affected you. Start gently with what you are feeling or needing rather than attacking the person.
“I felt worried when I didn't hear from you. Could you let me know next time if you're going to be late?”
2. Contempt
Contempt takes criticism a step further. It communicates that you are better than your partner, or that your partner is somehow beneath you.
It can show up as sarcasm, ridicule, mocking, name-calling, sneering, eye-rolling or deliberately speaking to your partner with disrespect.
Sometimes contempt is hidden behind humour. A couple may laugh about it, but if the humour is being used to belittle or humiliate the other person, it can still be damaging.
Contempt is particularly destructive because it attacks the person's sense of worth. It is very difficult to feel emotionally safe with someone who regularly treats you with disdain.
Try this instead: Even when you are angry, remember that this is someone you care about. You can be very unhappy with someone's behaviour without treating the person themselves with disrespect.
Try asking yourself: “If I spoke to a friend this way, would I consider it respectful?”
3. Defensiveness
When we feel criticised, it is very natural to defend ourselves. We want the other person to understand our side of the story.
The problem is that defensiveness can quickly turn a conversation into a competition about who is right.
It might sound like:
“Well, you do it too.”
“That's not my fault.”
“I only did that because you...”
“You always blame me for everything.”
Notice what happens in these responses. Instead of staying with what your partner is trying to tell you, the conversation is turned back onto them.
Sometimes there really is more than one side to a situation. But there is a time for explaining your perspective and a time for simply listening and trying to understand.
Try this instead: Before explaining yourself, see if you can acknowledge something in what your partner has said.
“I can understand why that upset you. I didn't mean for it to come across that way.”
Taking some responsibility does not mean agreeing with everything your partner says. It means being willing to look honestly at your own part in the interaction.
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling happens when one person withdraws from the interaction and stops responding. They may go silent, look away, leave the room, refuse to talk, or simply shut down emotionally.
Sometimes stonewalling is a deliberate refusal to engage. At other times, a person has become so overwhelmed that they genuinely cannot think clearly or continue the conversation.
This distinction is important. Taking a break from an escalating argument can actually be very healthy. The problem is when the break becomes a way of avoiding the issue altogether.
Try this instead: If you are becoming overwhelmed, say so. Let your partner know that you need some time to calm down and, importantly, agree to come back to the conversation.
“I'm getting too overwhelmed to have this conversation properly. I need some time to settle down. Can we come back to this after dinner?”
Taking a pause is very different from abandoning the conversation.
What can you do if you recognise the Four Horsemen in your relationship?
Don't panic. Most couples will recognise at least some of these behaviours in themselves, particularly when they are tired, stressed or caught in a familiar pattern of conflict.
The aim isn't to become a couple who never argues or never gets it wrong. The aim is to become better at noticing what is happening and repairing it.
One of the most useful things you can learn in a relationship is how to catch yourself when you are heading towards one of these patterns.
“Am I criticising?”
“Am I being disrespectful?”
“Am I becoming defensive?”
“Am I shutting down?”
And if you notice that you have slipped into one of the Four Horsemen, you can stop and try again.
That might mean changing a criticism into a complaint, replacing defensiveness with a little curiosity, taking a respectful time-out instead of stonewalling, or simply remembering to speak to your partner with kindness even when you are angry.
Good relationships aren't built by never getting things wrong. They are built by learning how to repair what happens when we do.
If you would like some support exploring your emotions, relationships or the challenges you are experiencing, counselling can provide a safe and supportive space to slow down, gain perspective and develop a deeper understanding of yourself.
