A Simple Way to Break a Bad Habit

Breaking a Habit: A Simple Mindfulness Approach

We all have habits. Some are helpful and supportive, while others may be things we would like to change.

Perhaps you find yourself reaching for your phone whenever you have a spare moment, eating when you're stressed rather than hungry, putting off something you'd like to do, checking your messages repeatedly, or falling into the same patterns when you're feeling tired, anxious or overwhelmed.

Sometimes we know a habit isn't particularly helpful, yet we continue to do it.

So why can it be so difficult to change a habit?

One interesting approach comes from psychiatrist and neuroscientistDr Judson Brewer, whose work explores the relationship between mindfulness, habits and addictive behaviours.

In his popular TED Talk, A Simple Way to Break a Bad Habit, Brewer suggests that one way of changing a habit is not through greater willpower, but through becoming more curious about what is actually happening when the urge arises.

The habit loop

Many habits can be understood as a simple cycle:

Trigger   →   Behaviour   →   Reward

A trigger is something that sets the habit in motion. It might be a particular situation, thought, feeling or time of day.

The behaviour is what we do in response.

The reward is what we experience afterwards. Often it is some form of relief, comfort, pleasure, distraction or temporary escape.

For example:

Stress or tiredness → reach for something sweet → a moment of comfort or pleasure.

Or:

Feeling bored → check the phone → a little stimulation or connection.

Or perhaps:

Feeling anxious → worry, avoid or distract yourself → temporary relief.

Once a pattern has been repeated many times, it can begin to feel almost automatic.

What if you became curious instead?

When we want to change a habit, our first response is often to try to control it.

"I must stop doing this."

"I shouldn't be doing this."

"I need more willpower."

Sometimes this works for a while. But when we are tired, stressed or emotionally overwhelmed, our old patterns can quickly return.

Brewer suggests another possibility: rather than immediately trying to push the urge away, pause and become curious about it.

What is actually happening in this moment?

Where do you notice the urge in your body?

What thoughts are going through your mind?

What are you hoping the behaviour will give you?

And what do you actually experience afterwards?

This is where mindfulness can be helpful. Instead of automatically moving from trigger to behaviour, we create a small space in which we can notice what is happening.

Try this simple exercise

The next time you notice an urge to do something that you are trying to change, see if you can pause before automatically responding.

1. Notice the trigger

What was happening just before the urge appeared?

Were you bored, tired, lonely, stressed, frustrated or worried?

2. Notice the urge

Rather than immediately acting on it, take a moment to notice the physical sensations.

Is there tightness in your chest? Restlessness? A feeling in your stomach? Tension in your shoulders? Perhaps an increased sense of energy or anticipation?

You don't need to make the feeling go away. Simply notice it.

3. Become curious

Ask yourself:

What am I experiencing right now?

What am I hoping this behaviour will do for me?

What happens if I stay with this feeling for a little while?

4. Notice what happens next

You may discover that the urge changes. It may become stronger, weaker or simply feel different.

You may also discover something about what is underneath the habit.

Perhaps you were looking for comfort.

Perhaps you needed a break.

Perhaps you were avoiding an uncomfortable feeling.

Perhaps you were simply following a familiar pattern.

You don't have to get it right

Changing a habit isn't usually a matter of succeeding perfectly from the beginning.

You might notice the urge and still follow the old pattern. That's okay.

The important part is the noticing.

Each time we become aware of what is happening, rather than moving completely automatically, we have an opportunity to learn something about ourselves and our patterns.

Mindfulness isn't about judging ourselves for having an urge. It is about becoming more aware of our experience and giving ourselves a little more choice in how we respond.

A small pause can create more choice

Sometimes the most useful change isn't immediately stopping the behaviour.

It may simply be noticing the moment before it happens.

Trigger → pause → notice → choose

That pause can be very small.

A breath.

A moment of noticing.

A little curiosity.

Over time, becoming more familiar with our triggers, urges and patterns can help us respond with greater awareness rather than automatically repeating an old habit.

A few questions to reflect on

If there is a habit you'd like to understand or change, you might like to gently explore:

• What tends to trigger this habit?

• What am I feeling immediately beforehand?

• What does the behaviour give me in the short term?

• What do I experience afterwards?

• What might I actually be needing in that moment?

• Is there another way I could respond to that need?

You don't have to answer all of these questions at once. Sometimes simply becoming curious about a familiar pattern can be a useful beginning.

When a habit feels difficult to change

Some habits are relatively simple to change, while others can be closely connected with stress, anxiety, emotional wellbeing, relationships or addiction.

If a behaviour is causing significant distress or feels difficult to change on your own, talking with a counsellor may provide a safe space to explore what is happening underneath the pattern and what might help.

Counselling can be an opportunity to slow things down, understand your patterns with greater compassion, and explore different ways of responding.

Sometimes change begins not with trying harder, but with becoming more aware.

If you'd like to explore this further, please contact me on 0408 792 747 to find out more about counselling sessions.

The ideas discussed here are provided for general information and are not intended to replace professional medical or psychological advice. If you are concerned about an addictive behaviour or another habit that is causing significant harm or distress, appropriate professional support may be helpful.

Writing to Heal Dr James Pennebaker

Research shows writing has health benefits...

For nearly 20 years, Dr. James W. Pennebaker has been giving people an assignment: write down your deepest feelings about an emotional upheaval in your life for 15 or 20 minutes a day for four consecutive days. Many of those who followed his simple instructions have found their immune systems strengthened. Others have seen their grades improved. Sometimes entire lives have changed. Dr. James Pennebaker

Pennebaker, a professor in the Department of Psychology at The University of Texas at Austin and author of several books, including “Opening Up” and “Writing to Heal,” is a pioneer in the study of using expressive writing as a route to healing. His research has shown that short-term focused writing can have a beneficial effect on everyone from those dealing with a terminal illness to victims of violent crime to college students facing first-year transitions.

“When people are given the opportunity to write about emotional upheavals, they often experience improved health,” Pennebaker says. “They go to the doctor less. They have changes in immune function. If they are first-year college students, their grades tend to go up. People will tell us months afterward that it’s been a very beneficial experience for them.”

In his early research Pennebaker was interested in how people who have powerful secrets are more prone to a variety of health problems. If you could find a way for people to share those secrets, would their health problems improve?

It turned out that often they would, and that it wasn’t even necessary for people to tell their secrets to someone else. The act of simply writing about those secrets, even if they destroyed the writing immediately afterward, had a positive effect on health. Further studies showed that the benefits weren’t just for those who had dramatic secrets, but could also accrue to those who were dealing with divorces, job rejections or even a difficult commute to work.

“Emotional upheavals touch every part of our lives,” Pennebaker explains. “You don’t just lose a job, you don’t just get divorced. These things affect all aspects of who we are—our financial situation, our relationships with others, our views of ourselves, our issues of life and death. Writing helps us focus and organize the experience.”

Our minds are designed to try to understand things that happen to us. When a traumatic event occurs or we undergo a major life transition, our minds have to work overtime to try to process the experience. Thoughts about the event may keep us awake at night, distract us at work and even make us less connected with other people.

When we translate an experience into language we essentially make the experience graspable. Individuals may see improvements in what is called “working memory,” essentially our ability to think about more than one thing at a time. They may also find they’re better able to sleep. Their social connections may improve, partly because they have a greater ability to focus on someone besides themselves.

To Read the rest of the article visit: University of Texas at Austin

Dr Pennebaker Writing To Heal

In this video, Dr. Friedman explores the link between creative endeavors, such as expressive writing, and reduced symptoms and improved health.

TED Talk - Martin Antony - When Perfect Isn't Good Enough

The Artist's Way

The Artist's Way is a book by Julia Cameron and I run sessions for people who are interested in exploring the book as a creative, self development process.

One of our chief needs as creative beings is support. Unfortunately, this can be hard to come by. Ideally we would be nurtured and encouraged first by our nuclear family and then by ever-widening circles of friends, teachers well-wishers." Julia Cameron.

It is with this idea of supporting one another as creative beings, and connecting with a similar interest, that I am offering sessions to explore The Artist's Way. While the Artist's Way title would tend to give the impression that the book is for people who do art. However, it isn't just that it is about our creative life - so whether you love to cook, sculpt, write, draw, do art, make music, sew - whatever your creative expression is, then this book is for you.

The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect,
but by the play instinct acting from inner necessity.
The creative mind plays with the objects it loves.
Carl Jung (quote from The Artist's Way)

Make a Difference through becoming Mindful

When we start to become mindful of our actions and live life from our values, every day we get a chance to make a difference in our world. The way we approach life, the way we treat people we come in contact with every day, we get a chance to make a difference. A small kindness, a smile, a thoughtful gesture, a helping hand, a thank you, listen to someone and don't interrupt, simply listen to listen (it's a lot harder than it sounds).

Your take action challenge: write a thank you postcard - an old fashioned, write on paper, put a stamp on it and snail mail it. Get creative and have fun.

Values - and Values Cards

Values are what we find meaningful in life. They are what you care about and consider to be important. Values are different for everybody, and they can change over time.

Values are different from goals. Put crudely, goals can be ‘achieved’ whereas values are more like compass directions that we want to head in.

For example we might have the goal of getting our children to school on time, which sits within the value of ‘being a good parent’, or the goal of going for a jog while placing value upon exercise and physical health. The domains below are valued by some people. Leaving aside any obstacles for the moment, think about what is important to you, and what you think makes for a meaningful life that you could value.

Relationships: What kind of relationships do you want to have with your family? What sort of brother / sister / mother / father / aunt / uncle / neice / nephew do you want to be? How do you want to be in those relationships?

Partner: What kind of husband / wife / partner do you want to be? What kind of relationship do you want to be a part of? What sort of partnership do you want to build? What kind of person do you want to be in a relationship?

Parent: What sort of parent do you want to be? What qualities do you want your children to see in you? What kind of relationships do you want to build with them?

Friendship: What sort of friend do you want to be? What friendships is it important to cultivate? How would you like to act towards your friends? What kind of social life matters to you?

Info by Dr Whaley

And so as you think about the various areas that you may be connected to in your life, whether it be work, personal relationships, spirituality or sport, if you start to think along the lines of your values, how do you want to be in life? Where do you want to put your energy. How do you wish to be as a person?

"Our lives revolve around relationships - with ourselves, others, and everything we encounter in the world around us. The more you act in line with your values, the better will be the quality of those relationships and therefore the more enjoyable and rewarding your life will be." ~ Dr Russ Harris (The Happiness Trap)

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and the subject of comfort came up. We realised that her value of comfort varied widely from her partner's. I personally like a certain degree of comfort, I'm not one of those who could go and rough it on a walking trail or camping without many everyday comforts. What about you?

"Many people find that when they realign their life with their core values, they feel reborn, with greater passion for life and more satisfaction than ever before." Kotzman and Kotzman ~ in Listen to Me Listen to You.

In my relationship counselling sessions, I ask couples to consider what their values are, and they go home with a values exercise to do. When they come in for the next session, we then discuss the values they came up with. It is so fascinating, to many people when they realise that a lot of their time and energy has been going into areas, that they don't hold as important values.

Sometimes they realise that their behaviour has even been going against what they hold dear to them. Often when they start putting their time and energy into what they value, they immediately start to feel happier and more content with their lives.

I've created values cards and have included some of them below if you would like to take part in a values exercise. You can save the image and then print it out. You'll find a blank card so that you can add your own values. Pick 10 values that are important to you, then after a day or so, pick 5 from that list to apply to the area of life you would like to focus on.

Julian Treasure: Shh! Sound health in 8 steps

Julian Treasure says our increasingly noisy world is gnawing away at our mental health -- even costing lives. He lays out an 8-step plan to soften this sonic assault (starting with those cheap earbuds) and restore our relationship with sound.